If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.
Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.
What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.
People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.
When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.
You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.
The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.
Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.
Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.
The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.
Saying, have a great work-out is like saying, I hope you pull something.
Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.
I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.
A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.
People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.
Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.
Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.
Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
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