You've got to be (an) optimist to be a Democrat, and you've got to be a humorist to stay one
Do not complain about growing old. It is a privilege denied to many.
What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher... or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
Every person you look at, you can see the universe in their eyes, if you're really looking
God created war so that Americans would learn geography.
The two most important days in your life are the day you are born and the day you find out why.
It is hard to get mad at Donald Trump for saying stupid things, in the same way you don't get mad at a monkey when he throws poop at you at the zoo... What does get me angry is the ridiculous, disingenuous defending of the poop-throwing monkey.
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.
Normal is an illusion. What is normal for the spider is chaos for the fly.
If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.
The secret of getting ahead is getting started
I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
People will kill you over time, and how they'll kill you is with tiny, harmless phrases, like 'be realistic.'
Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees.
The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself, but in so doing, he identifies himself with people - that is, people everywhere, not for the purpose of taking them apart, but simply revealing their true nature.
It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.
Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.
It's easy being a humorist when you've got the whole government working for you.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
When we talk to God, we're praying. When God talks to us, we're schizophrenic.
The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly teaches me to suspect that my own is also.
Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day.
America cannot have an empire abroad and a Republic at home.
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