Humorists Quotes - Page 2

• Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.

  George Burns

  Thinking, Laughing, Make You Think

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• I have been born more times than anybody except Krishna.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Novelists, Krishna

  Mark Twain (2016). “Mark Twain in Eruption (Abridged, Annotated)”, p.117, BIG BYTE BOOKS

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• God created war so that Americans would learn geography.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

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• What happens after you die? Lot's of things happen after you die - they just don't involve you

  Louis C. K.

  Funny, Death, Comedian

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• Don't watch the clock; do what it does. Keep going.

  Sam Levenson

  Motivational, Moving On, Success

  Sam Levenson (2016). “You Don't Have to Be in Who's Who to Know What's What: The Choice Wit and Wisdom of Sam Levenson”, p.146, Open Road Media

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• You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.

  Mark Twain

  Love, Heart, Law

  Mark Twain (1889). “A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court”, p.164, Createspace Independent Pub

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• Maybe this is crazy, but I think the right to own a gun is trumped by the right not to be shot by one.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Crazy, Gun

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 18, 2012

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• God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

  Garrison Keillor

  Funny, Life, Encouraging

  "Happy to be Here". Book by Garrison Keillor, 1983.

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• It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living.

  Terry Pratchett

  Funny, Life, Eye

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• Every man is a moon; he has a side no one sees.

  Mark Twain

  Wisdom, Men, Moon

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• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christmas, Girl

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• Humor is an escape, because you cannot think about your problems when you are trying to be funny; so, in essence, "being a humorist" gives you a valid excuse to hide from your pain.

  Dave Barry

  Pain, Thinking, Essence

  "Secrets of a Two-Time Pulitzer Winner". Interview with Michael Mechanic, www.motherjones.com. June 30, 2010.

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• Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Inspiration

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.257, Courier Corporation

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• I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Death, Sarcastic

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• I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Ducks, Comedian, Bread

  "Just For Laughs: On The Edge". 2002.

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• The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

  James Thurber

  Fun, World, Comedy

  Interview with Edward R. Murrow on "Small World", CBS-TV, March 25, 1959.

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• I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Witty, Atheist

  George Carlin (2007). “The Best of Brain Droppings”, p.52, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

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• Weekends don't count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

  Bill Watterson

  Friday, Cute Life, Sunday

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• Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.

  Mark Twain

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  Mark Twain (2014). “Mark Twain on Common Sense: Timeless Advice and Words of Wisdom from America's Most-Revered Humorist”, p.40, Skyhorse Publishing, Inc.

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• The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Inspiring, Education

  Mark Twain (2015). “The Prince and the Pauper (StoneHenge Classics)”, p.154, StoneHenge Classics

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• The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance.

  Peter De Vries

  Laughter, Humor, Another Chance

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• This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

  Will Rogers

  Country, Baby, Inspiration

  Will Rogers (1978). “Will Rogers' Daily Telegrams: The Coolidge years, 1926-1929”, Will Rogers Heritage Trust

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• I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

  Will Rogers

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  In Saturday Review 25 Aug. 1962

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• If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

  Jon Stewart

  Strong, Political, Comedian

  "s Jon Stewart’s brilliant appearance on Egypt’s version of ‘The Daily Show’". www.washingtonpost.com. June 25, 2013.

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• Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously. It's literary suicide.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Suicide, Humor

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