WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in wickedness a league beyond the devil.
MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated.
Immigrant: An unenlightened person who thinks one country better than another.
Aristocrats: n. fellows that wear downy hats and clean shirts - guilty of education and suspected of bank accounts.
PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us that - stone walls do not a prison make.
To be comic is merely to be playful, but wit is a serious matter. To laugh at it is to confess that you do not understand.
A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a soul.
Clarinet n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with cotton in his ears. There are two instruments worse than a clarinet – two clarinets.
MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in genealogical trees.
SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten its contents, madam.
PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time and place.
Insurrection. An unsuccessful revolution; disaffection's failure to substitute misrule for bad government.
NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.
prospect, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually forbidden.
GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble by nature and is taking a bit of a rest.
BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount Etna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar.
Hash, x. There is no definition for this word - nobody knows what hash is. Famous, adj. Conspicuously miserable. Dictionary, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, however, is a most useful work.
FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a horse's tail on the entrails of a cat.
UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own wife.
RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the luckless.
GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These [quills] when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript of the fowl's thought and feeling.
OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and liabilities.
Epitaph: An inscription on a tomb showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.
TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of its own.
IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting censorious critics of this dictionary.
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