POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation.
Respectability, n. The offspring of a liaison between a bald head and a bank account.
Conversation: A fair for the display of the minor mental commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of his own wares to observe those of his neighbor.
Duck-bill, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back season.
PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which is the standard of excellence.
Empty wine bottles have a bad opinion of women.
Scribbler, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to one's own.
ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding funeral outlays to the other expenses of living.
Christian - One who follows the teachings of Christ insofar as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor and grave worm's provider
Twice – Once too often.
DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest from disorders of the bowels.
EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of mastication, humectation, and deglutition.
FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs
LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be bilious with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg "pate".
ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot is not considered as having a zenith, though Horizontalists hold that the posture of the body was immaterial.
PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to that of only one.
Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an element of pride.
UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian.
RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ that a scientist is a fool with.
Glutton- A person who escapes the evils of moderation by committing dyspepsia.
Condole - to show that bereavement is a smaller evil than sympathy.
A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with ludicrous incompetence the "buffone", or clown, and was therefore the ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters of the play.
NEWTONIAN, Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so far as to be able to say when.
Battle, n., A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that would not yield to the tongue.
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