MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal society.
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice.
Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons of another faith.
Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
I was born to poor because of honest parents.
PICKANINNY, n. The young of the "Procyanthropos", or "Americanus dominans". It is small, black and charged with political fatalities.
HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him.
REVIEW, v.t. To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it./ Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it)/ At work upon a book, and so read out of it/ The qualities that you have first read into it.
You cannot adopt politics as a profession and remain honest.
Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless objectionableness.
A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His creatures.
WOMAN, n. An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
An auctioneer is a man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked a pocket with his tongue.
BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The best kind is beauty.
We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the liberty to introduce persons to one another without first ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of strangers.
DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave-driver. As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, And finds at last he might as well have paid it.
pleasure, n. The least hateful form of dejection.
HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation.
RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the virtue of maids.
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