Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted from the satisfaction felt in committing it.
DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed.
REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.
STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue.
The wife, or bitter half.
aim, n. The task we set our wishes to.
self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisal.
There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust." "There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must.
Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.
ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution.
Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.
PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method . . . of obtaining money by false pretences [by] "reading character" in the wrinkles [of] the hand. The pretence is not altogether false. . . for the wrinkles in every hand submitted plainly spell the word "dupe."
REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish it.
INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Creditor. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
A subsidiary Deity designed to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship . . . . [H]is master works for the means wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned with a look of tolerant recognition.
MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an island.
EXISTENCE, n. A transient, horrible, fantastic dream,/ Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem:/ From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge/ Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!"
REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum.
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