Introduction - a social ceremony invented by the devil for the gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies.
EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes.
One who, professing virtues that he does not respect, secures the advantage of seeming to be what he despises.
INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote intellectual crime.
OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into the jail yard.
PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory race of antedated Creation. . . . Little its known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and theologians with a controversy.
RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions lying due south from Boreaplas.
Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual affairs as a method of better his temporal ones.
Platitude: All that is mortal of a departed truth.
REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; Refusals are graded in a descending scale of finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by some casuists the refusal assentive.
Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man who did not particularly care to trace his own.
PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises.
MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human knowledge.
IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues of to-morrow.
moral, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. Having the quality of general expediency.
ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble.
Contempt; the feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too formidable safely to be opposed.
An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure competitor.
COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money belonging to E.
Christians and camels receive their burdens kneeling.
REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.
INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
aim, n. The task we set our wishes to.
PIG, n. An animal ("Porcus omnivorus") closely allied to the human race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig.
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