Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
Jealous, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which can be lost only if not worth keeping.
Present, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of disappointment from the realm of hope.
Alliance - in international politics, the union of two thieves who have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they cannot separately plunder a third.
REFLECTION,n: An Action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the perils that we shall not again encounter
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
Dentist: a prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coin out of your pocket.
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
There would be far fewer accidents if we could only teach telephone poles to be more careful.
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
Homicide, /n./ The slaying of one human by another. There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain whether he died by one kind or another - the classification is for the advantage of the lawyers.
For every man there is something in the vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies have only to find it.
We must stop chasing dollars, stop lying, stop cheating, stop ignoring art, literature, and all the refining agencies and instrumentalities of civilization.
Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.
self-esteem, n. An erroneous appraisal.
Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.
An egotist is a person of low taste - more interested in himself than in me.
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and exposing them to the critic.
Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would be too expensive to punish.
Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it.
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