Mad, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
You don't have to be stupid to be a Christian, ... but it probably helps.
What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country. What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly.
Prescription: A physician's guess at what will best prolong the situation with least harm to the patient.
He who thinks with difficulty believes with alacrity. A fool is a natural proselyte, but he must be caught young, for his convictions, unlike those of the wise, harden with age.
Mausoleum, n: the final and funniest folly of the rich.
The only distinction that democracies reward is a high degree of conformity.
Scriptures - The sacred books of our holy religion, as distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other faiths are based.
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it.
In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
April fool, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly.
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which they are pleased to call war and commerce. These, also, are the principal industries of the Orient.
Fear has no brains; it is an idiot.
Future. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who does all he knows how to make us disobedient.
Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding.
The sum of religion, says Pythagoras, is to be like him thou worshipest. Had Pythagoras lived in our day he would have seen his mistake. The sum of modern religion is to make him thou worshipest like unto thyself.
Riot – A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent bystanders.
You can effect a change of robbers every four years. Inestimable privilege - to pull off the glutted leech and attach the lean one! And you can not even choose among the lean leeches, but must accept those designated by the programmers and showmen who have the reptiles on tap!
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