Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
In the algebra of psychology, X stands for a woman's heart.
Feast, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person distinguished for abstemiousness.
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made.
GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels.
Disobey n:To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity of a command
Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught. Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
Custard: A detestable substance produced by a malevolent conspiracy of the hen, the cow, and the cook.
Clairvoyant, n.: A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that which is invisible to her patron - namely, that he is a blockhead.
RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character.
They say that hens do cackle loudest when there is nothing vital in the eggs they have laid.
Immortality: A toy which people cry for, And on their knees apply for, Dispute, contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right proud Eternally to die for.
Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
If you want to read a perfect book there is only one way: write it.
Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
Money. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we part with it.
God alone knows the future, but only an historian can alter the past.
In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal activity.
Opposition, n. In politics the party that prevents the government from running amuck by hamstringing it.
Heathen, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship something that he can see and feel.
Hippogriff, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one-quarter eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full of surprises.
Convent - a place of retirement for women who wish for leisure to meditate upon the sin of idleness.
Happiness is lost by criticizing it; sorrow by accepting it.
Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
diplomacy, n.: The patriotic art of lying for one's country.
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