Erma Bombeck Quotes - Page 9

Quotes about:

• Spend at least one Mother's Day with your respective mothers before you decide on marriage. If a man gives his mother a gift certificate for a flu shot, dump him.

  Erma Bombeck

  Mother, Memorable, Men

  7 Copy quote

• Those magazine dieting stories always have the testimonial of a woman who wore a dress that could slipcover New Jersey in one photo and thirty days later looked like a well-dressed thermometer.

  Erma Bombeck

  Sex, Food, Jersey

  9 Copy quote

• If I raised my hand to wipe the hair out of my children's eyes, they'd flinch and call their attorney.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Baby, Children

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “The Erma Bombeck Collection: If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?, Motherhood, and The Grass Is Always Greener Over the Septic Tank”, p.173, Open Road Media

  4 Copy quote

• I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.

  Erma Bombeck

  Europe, Literature, Cosmetics

  26 Copy quote

• The more I think about it, the more there is to be said for the sloth. He sleeps fifteen to eighteen hours a day and is known to have taken forty-eight days to travel four miles. He hangs in the trees after he's dead. But he lives longer than the cheetah.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Taken, Sleep

  7 Copy quote

• Explain to me how he [her son] can ride a bicycle, run, play ball, set up a camp, swing, fight a war, swim and race for eight hours ... and has to be driven to the garbage can.

  Erma Bombeck

  Running, War, Fighting

  6 Copy quote

• Adults can take a simple holiday for Children and screw it up. What began as a presentation of simple gifts to delight and surprise children around the Christmas tree has culminated in a woman unwrapping six shrimp forks from her dog, who drew her name.

  Erma Bombeck

  Christmas, Dog, Children

  4 Copy quote

• Written on her tombstone: "I told you I was sick.

  Erma Bombeck

  Tombstone, Sick, Written

  9 Copy quote

• Grandma told me Mama was once caught by the Principal for writing in the front of her book, "In Case of Fire, Throw This in First." I have never had so much respect for Mama as the day I heard this.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Reading, Book

  4 Copy quote

• Having a delivery covered by Medicare just isn't going to fly. It's too risky for a woman to put a baby down and not remember where she left it.

  Erma Bombeck

  Baby, Down And, Remember

  4 Copy quote

• I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.

  Erma Bombeck

  Mother, Order, Literature

  7 Copy quote

• My mother phones daily to ask, "Did you just try to reach me?" When I reply no, she adds, "So, if you're not too busy, call me while I'm still alive," . . . and hangs up.

  Erma Bombeck

  Mother, Phones, Trying

  4 Copy quote

• There are few things in this world more satisfying than having your son teach you how to play tennis, unless it is having a semi-truck run over your foot.

  Erma Bombeck

  Running, Son, Feet

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.211, Open Road Media

  4 Copy quote

• When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water." Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs, all the better.

  Erma Bombeck

  Self, Years, Water

  5 Copy quote

• We've got a generation now who were born with semiequality. They don't know how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have our attache' cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get worse before they join in fighting the battle.

  Erma Bombeck

  Taken, Memorable, Fighting

  7 Copy quote

• I was a closet pacifier advocate. So were most of my friends. Unknown to our mothers, we owned thirty or forty of those little suckers that were placed strategically around the house so a cry could be silenced in less than thirty seconds. Even though bottles were boiled, rooms disinfected, and germs fought one on one, no one seemed to care where the pacifier had been.

  Erma Bombeck

  Mother, House, Bottles

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession”, p.38, Open Road Media

  7 Copy quote

• It would have been a wonderful wedding - had it not been mine.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Marriage, Wonderful

  8 Copy quote

• I have finally mastered what to do with the second tennis ball. Having small hands, I was becoming terribly self-conscious about keeping it in a can in the car while I served the first one. I noted some women tucked the second ball just inside the elastic leg of their tennis panties. I tried, but found the space already occupied by a leg. Now, I simply drop the second ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that often stuns my opponent throughout an entire set.

  Erma Bombeck

  Small Hands, Self, Space

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “If Life Is a Bowl of Cherries, What Am I Doing in the Pits?”, p.50, Open Road Media

  8 Copy quote

• I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, “Never mind! I'll do it myself.

  Erma Bombeck

  Children, Mind, My Children

  4 Copy quote

• People are always asking couples whose marriage has endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Couple, Husband

  Erma Bombeck (2011). “I Lost Everything in the Post-Natal Depression”, p.17, Fawcett

  9 Copy quote

• My mother won't admit it, but I've always been a disappointment to her. Deep down inside, she'll never forgive herself for giving birth to a daughter who refuses to launder aluminium foil and use it over again.

  Erma Bombeck

  Daughter, Mother, Disappointment

  10 Copy quote

• Never loan your car to anyone to whom you've given birth.

  Erma Bombeck

  Car, Birth, Loan

  Source: www.npr.org

  5 Copy quote

• Cleanliness is not next to godliness. It isn't even in the same neighborhood.

  Erma Bombeck

  Toasters, Next, Cleanliness

  6 Copy quote

• Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, 'No thank you' to desert that night. And for what?!

  Erma Bombeck

  Night, Thinking, Dessert First

  9 Copy quote

• Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.

  Erma Bombeck

  Funny, Humorous, Food

  4 Copy quote

Page 9 of 14

First

← Prev

4

5

6

7

8

9

10

11

12

13

Next →

• facebook
• twitter
• googleplus
• email
• linkedin