Occasionally, once a speaker is on his feet, it is difficult to get him to sit down. ... If and when he returns to earth, he notices half of the room is paging the other half and a few are playing with the melted candles.
Many people are intimidated by doctors. ... People also feel stupid when they don't understand what a doctor's talking about the first time around, so they don't ask again. And let's be honest here, people. English is not a doctor's first language.
Before we sent kids to computer camps and told them they were having a good time, there was imagination among the human species.
When they told me I needed a mastectomy, I thought of the thousands of luncheons and dinners I had attended where they slapped a name tag on my left bosom. I always smiled and said, 'Now, what shall we name the other one?' That would no longer be a problem.
Phone are wonderful instruments, but I wouldn't want our daughter to marry one.
Sex in the nineties is boring. The problem is that it has gone from an active act to a spectator sport. We watch people make love on television and in films. We call 900 numbers to hear what someone would do to us if they weren't sitting in a boiler room of other dirty talkers reading from a prepared script.
I used everything you gave me.
God created man, but I could do better.
What does it profit a 78-year-old woman to sit around the pool in a bikini if she cannot feed herself?
Never be in a hurry to terminate a marriage. Remember, you may need this man/woman to finish a sentence.
I'm real ambivalent about [working mothers]. Those of use who have been in the women's movement for a long time know that we've talked a good game of "go out and fulfill your dreams" and "be everything you were meant to be." But by the same token, we want daughters-in-law who are going to stay home and raise our grandchildren.
Babies on television never spit up on the Ultrasuede.
Early in my life I had made a pact with myself. I would never eat anything that moved when I cooked it, excited the dog, or inflated upon impact with my teeth.
In the South Pacific, because of their size, mosquitoes are required to file flight plans.
Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical of other people's children and publicly admit they can do better are asking for it.
She's as funny as a toothache
The woman who says, 'My kids are all speaking to one another and they love us' is a psychopathic liar.
Some of the best fiction writers got their start writing airline menus.
not all bears have their own television series. Some of them are unemployed wild animals.
We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill, 'He wants his mother.'
I lost everything in the post-natal depression.
Bombeck's Rug Rule: an ugly carpet will last for ever.
We even switched to a newly-formed church across the town that gave one hundred and twenty trading stamps each time we attended. (We now worship a brown and white chicken with a sunburst on its chest.)
My mind works . . . two boobs never get me a job.
There would have been more 'I love you's' and more, 'I'm sorry's'.
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