My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
I model irregular clothing.
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
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