Jay London Quotes

• My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

  Jay London

  Cheesy, Cheese, Whole Family

  47 Copy quote

• I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

  Jay London

  Book, Fall, Loss

  10 Copy quote

• I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

  Jay London

  Clouds, People, Casting

  16 Copy quote

• I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

  Jay London

  Worry, Identity, Needs

  23 Copy quote

• I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.

  Jay London

  Boyfriend, Father, Tears

  9 Copy quote

• I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?

  Jay London

  Doctors, Hands, Medical

  7 Copy quote

• I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.

  Jay London

  Funny, Hilarious, Women

  7 Copy quote

• It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

  Jay London

  Funny, Dog, Witty

  15 Copy quote

• My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

  Jay London

  Girlfriend, Personality, Fit

  53 Copy quote

• I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

  Jay London

  Worry, Nuclear, World

  16 Copy quote

• I model irregular clothing.

  Jay London

  Clothings, Models

  7 Copy quote

• After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.

  Jay London

  Pride, Years, Nicknames

  7 Copy quote

• I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.

  Jay London

  Nice, Home, Giving

  7 Copy quote

• Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.

  Jay London

  Today, Tomorrow, Knows

  10 Copy quote

• They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

  Jay London

  Adults, Euthanasia, Said

  23 Copy quote

• A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.

  Jay London

  Opportunity, Rocks, Window

  14 Copy quote

• His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.

  Jay London

  Dog, Fighting, Rebellion

  7 Copy quote

• I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

  Jay London

  Military, Training, Cockroaches

  30 Copy quote

• I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights

  Jay London

  Funny, Life, Witty

  8 Copy quote

• My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

  Jay London

  Funny, Life, Witty

  58 Copy quote

• I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.

  Jay London

  Girl, Weather, Dating

  4 Copy quote

• I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.

  Jay London

  4 Copy quote

• You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

  Jay London

  Guy, Might, Fourth

  "Half-Truths, Non-Truths, and Louis C.K." by David Haglund, www.newyorker.com. January 28, 2015.

  4 Copy quote

• I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

  Jay London

  Lonely, Hug, Tonight

  10 Copy quote

• A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.

  Jay London

  Jobs, Work, Laughing

  7 Copy quote

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