My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.
I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.
I went out with a promiscuous impressionist. She did everybody.
I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument. He told me to knock myself out.
It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes
My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.
I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis, and I said compared to who?
Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
I model irregular clothing.
I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
His puppyhood was a period of foolish rebellion. He was always worsted, but he fought back because it was his nature to fight back. And he was unconquerable.
A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
I went to the store and bought lady fingers, when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing so I went back to the store and the manager was nice enough to give me the finger.
I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.
I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights
My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings
They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part, cause we have nicknames. So I named my private part pride... it's not much but at least I have my pride.
I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
You might recognize me, I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.
I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
A guy gave me a job at an information booth - no questions asked.
I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
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