Like most of the world's population I'm into coffee, my perfect weekend would start with a pint of coffee.
I don't see myself as offending people.
I don't think young people should have bottoms, they're too young for that sort of thing.
It had to be hammered home quite a bit because I didn't see any humour in my life at all.
There's things that I couldn't joke about but other people could.
I was a Christian. I didn't want to have sex before marriage, I was a bit uptight and not very self-confident. I was a virgin until I was 26.
A surprising amount of my jokes sound very implausible but are true.
Jokes spread around the world and embed themselves in our shared culture; the most resonant of them get lodged in the language in the same way as clichés or old wives' tales do.
After a gig I always head back to the hotel, remembering granny's words of wisdom. I cancel the late-night pizza and watch the Jonathan Ross show instead.
As soon as I did my first five minutes of stand-up I knew that I would rather be a failure at comedy than a success in marketing.
I'm obsessed with TV. How wrong our parents were when they said we should only watch an hour a day. Stop wasting your time reading books.
I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said 'It's nice to see so many bums on seats.'
I was in love with the idea of being in love with a woman way before I was actually in love with one.
Even if you're doing the national insurance awards, there's still that excitement when you wonder who is going to win, er, best premiums.
I pay what I have to and not a penny more.
More people are going out to comedy shows than they were before.
The bigger the audience, the better with comedy.
It is such a social thing, laughing. Two thousand people in a room laughing is such a great buzz and they tend to laugh much more in a group.
You never want to be the grumpy guy, although I do have quite a grumpy face.
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