Demetri Martin Quotes - Page 4

Quotes about:

• Knights would have probably liked refrigerator magnets.

  Demetri Martin

  Knights, Refrigerators, Magnet

  Twitter post from Jan 23, 2012

  6 Copy quote

• When I am holding a water balloon, so many things look so unnecessarily dry.

  Demetri Martin

  Water, Looks, Dry

  Twitter post from Mar 29, 2012

  9 Copy quote

• They should call fishing what it really is... tricking and killing!

  Demetri Martin

  Fishing, Killing, Should

  5 Copy quote

• The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

  Demetri Martin

  Knives, Perfect, Frustrated

  8 Copy quote

• Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome - that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.

  Demetri Martin

  Fun, Crazy, Real

  20 Copy quote

• My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Garbage Disposal

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  16 Copy quote

• When a Dalmatian sees a cow he must be like, 'What the hell happened to him? I am high right now. That dalmatian is fat and smeary.' When the cow sees the Dalmatian he must be like, 'He looks amazing. I am so out of shape, this is ridiculous. My tits are on the ground here.

  Demetri Martin

  Dalmatians, Looks, Shapes

  9 Copy quote

• I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like, 'huh? What the hell is this?' But if it's in a fruit basket you're like, 'this is nice!'

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Im Sorry, Nice

  "'Comedy Central Presents' ('Demetri Martin')". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. March 19, 2004.

  10 Copy quote

• I wish I lived next to Carnegie Hall. Then, if someone asked me how to get to my house, I would just say 'Practice, practice, practice, and then take a left.'

  Demetri Martin

  Practice, House, Wish

  12 Copy quote

• Automatic paper towel dispensers are a solution to something that was never a problem in the first place.

  Demetri Martin

  Paper, Towels, Firsts

  14 Copy quote

• I saw a door that said exit only. So I entered through it and went up to the guy working there and said "I have good news. You have severely underestimated that door over there. By like a hundred percent."

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Doors

  5 Copy quote

• I think hair gel was invented to make it easier to identify assholes from a distance.

  Demetri Martin

  Distance, Thinking, Hair

  8 Copy quote

• Now I got a time machine at home. It only goes foreword at regular speed. It's essentially a cardboard box and on the outside I wrote time machine in sharpie.

  Demetri Martin

  Home, Machines, Speed

  9 Copy quote

• Man is the most powerful creature on the planet. And we're arrogant. I mean, people own birds. It's like, there's a creature with the gift of flight. I want it. I'm going to put it in my kitchen and make it crap on old information.

  Demetri Martin

  Powerful, Mean, Men

  9 Copy quote

• You are ten times more likely to get hit by a car when the driver is aiming for you.

  Demetri Martin

  Car, Drivers, Ten

  Demetri Martin (2011). “This Is A Book”, p.55, Penguin UK

  11 Copy quote

• I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

  Demetri Martin

  Funny, Humor, Firsts

  5 Copy quote

• I am a man of my word… and that word is “unreliable.

  Demetri Martin

  Men, Unreliable

  8 Copy quote

• Parades are man's attempt to make traffic exciting.

  Demetri Martin

  Men, Parades, Traffic

  9 Copy quote

• The problem with most people, is that they are most people.

  Demetri Martin

  People, Four Agreements, Problem

  Twitter post from Dec 19, 2011

  9 Copy quote

• Canoe plus waterfall equals I don't go camping anymore.

  Demetri Martin

  Camping, Waterfalls, Plus

  14 Copy quote

• I bought a clock, but the big hand broke off of it... so I just added "ish" to every number.

  Demetri Martin

  Hands, Numbers, Broke

  6 Copy quote

• I saw a sign that said, 'Watch for children.' I was like, 'That sounds like a fair trade - especially if they're crappy kids.'

  Demetri Martin

  Children, Kids, Sound

  6 Copy quote

• A refrigerator is the opposite of a drug addict, because a refrigerator starts in a box and then moves to a house.

  Demetri Martin

  Moving, Opposites, Addiction

  6 Copy quote

• When you're wearing an animal costume and something bad happens, your facial expression doesn't change. The animal is deadpan the whole time. If you're skiing in a gorilla suit and you fall, you just see a gorilla who has no emotion. It's just a stoic gorilla, wildly falling down a hill, out of control.

  Demetri Martin

  Fall, Animal, Expression

  Interview with Litsa Dremousis, www.believermag.com. February 2006.

  9 Copy quote

• A pipe is greater than a bong. Because when you're smoking a pipe at least it makes you look like you're thinking about something.

  Demetri Martin

  Thinking, Smoking, Looks

  21 Copy quote

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