Answering Machines Quotes

• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

  Steven Wright

  Communication, Home, Car

  7 Copy quote

• The woods are lovely, dark, and deep but I have promises to keep...

  Robert Frost

  Tattoo, Running, Taken

  "Stopping byWoods on a Snowy Evening" l. 13 (1923)

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• I am absolutely sick unto death of hearing people say - they all say this; it must be Item One on the curriculum in Trend College - "I just hate to talk to a machine!" They say this as though it is a major philosophical position, as opposed to a description of a minor neurosis. My feeling is, if you have a problem like this, you shouldn't go around trumpeting it; you should stay home and practice talking to a machine you can feel comfortable with, such as your Water Pik, until you are ready to assume your place in modern society.

  Dave Barry

  Hate, Philosophical, Humorous

  9 Copy quote

• Everyone I talked to was a recording-the bank, the elevator, your office, the school, a wrong number. You used to be able to call a wrong number and get a person.

  Erma Bombeck

  Humorous, School, Wrong Number

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “Motherhood: The Second Oldest Profession”, p.26, Open Road Media

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• What I like best about the telephone is that it keeps you in touch with people, particularly people who want to sell you magazine subscriptions in the middle of the night.

  Dave Barry

  Humorous, Night, Phones

  "Dave Barry's Bad Habits". Book by Dave Barry, September 15, 1993.

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• We've come a long way from having one land line that was forbidden to be answered during dinner. We had no answering machine, just a dad who barked, 'Who calls during dinner? If it's important, they'll call back.' He was right.

  Regina Brett

  Dad, Land, Long

  7 Copy quote

• Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? 'Hi, it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is share the love.' Beep. 'Uh, yeah, this is the VD clinic. Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.'

  Andy Rooney

  Being Positive, Great Day, Machines

  "Curmudgeon Explains the Throne Speech" by Bill Tieleman, www.straight.com. February 17, 2005.

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• In hell, all the messages you ever left on answering machines will be played back to you.

  Judy Horacek

  Machines, Messages, Hell

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• No one is calling me. I can’t check the answering machine because I have been here all this time. If I go out, someone may call while I’m out. Then I can check the answering machine when I come back in.

  Lydia Davis

  Machines, Calling, May

  Lydia Davis (2007). “Varieties of Disturbance: Stories”, p.86, Macmillan

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• [Reviewing the New York City Telephone Directory] But it is the opinion of the present reviewer that the weakness of plot is due to the great number of characters which clutter up the pages. The Russian school is responsible for this.

  Robert Benchley

  Funny, New York, Humorous

  7 Copy quote

• My favorite films, I would put my answering machine up to the television set and hit record. I'd tape my favorite movies and then I could go back and listen to them again. I only had the soundtrack, I didn't have the visuals. But I think it made me really pay attention to the soundtracks.

  Mark Mothersbaugh

  Thinking, Tape, Attention

  "SXSW ’12: Mark Mothersbaugh Confirms He’s Scoring ‘Lego,’ Talks Working On Wes Anderson’s ‘Bottle Rocket’ & More" by Drew Taylor, www.indiewire.com. March 14, 2012.

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• Telephone message on his manager's answering machine shortly before dying of heroin overdose: I need help bad, man.

  Jimi Hendrix

  Men, Dying, Messages

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• You wonder if God doesn't have an answering machine to screen out the prayers of the venal and the boring? And in which category has he placed you?

  Tom Robbins

  God, Prayer, Humorous

  Tom Robbins (2010). “Half Asleep In Frog Pyjamas”, p.48, Random House

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• The dead have no ears, no answering machines that we know of, still we call.

  Bob Hicok

  Grieving, Machines, Ears

  Bob Hicok (2013). “Elegy Owed”, p.53, Copper Canyon Press

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• Not saving you from this storm, mutant,” he said. “Saving you for your later fate, we are.” His voice was weirdly inflected and metallic, like an automated answering machine. “Oh, good. Yoda captured us,” Fang whispered.

  James Patterson

  Fate, Voice, Storm

  James Patterson (2008). “Maximum Ride: The Final Warning”, p.226, Random House

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• You've reached Fantasia, where the undead live again every night," "For bar hours, press one. To make a party reservation, press two. To talk to alive person or a dead vampire, press three. Or, if you were intending to leave a humorous prank message on our answering machine, know this: we will find you.

  Charlaine Harris

  Humorous, Party, Night

  Charlaine Harris (2003). “Dead in Dixie”

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• Don't call me when you're stuck in traffic. It's not my fault that radio sucks and did it ever occur to you that there wouldn't be so much traffic if people like you put down the phone and concentrated on the road... besides I can't talk now, I'm in the car behind you trying to watch a DVD.

  Bill Maher

  Humorous, Phones, Dvds

  Bill Maher (2006). “New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer”, p.30, Rodale

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• I think about the automobile, I think about like, when I was a kid, you know, the invention of the answering machine, which I was like, 'Wow.' Or call waiting, which was, like, very big. It was a very big thing. Call waiting was a very big thing. And these incremental innovations happen constantly.

  Ashton Kutcher

  Kids, Thinking, Waiting

  "Interview: Ashton Kutcher and Joshua Michael Stern on Jobs". Interview With Zaki Hasan, www.huffingtonpost.com. August 16, 2013.

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• The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer them a drink.

  Fran Lebowitz

  Humorous, Drinking, Memorable

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• People ask me to record their answering machines all the time. I love it. It's a miracle to me that people want to hear back those characters.

  Mike Myers

  Character, People, Miracle

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• The void is ready to snatch you up like a Pac Man machine and Laskshmi is on vacation. You chant Sring - and you get her answering machine.

  Frederick Lenz

  Men, Vacation, Machines

  4 Copy quote

• The telephone is the greatest single enemy of scholarship; for what our intellectual forebears used to inscribe in ink now goes once over a wire into permanent oblivion.

  Stephen Jay Gould

  Humorous, Phones, Intellectual

  Stephen Jay Gould (2010). “An Urchin in the Storm: Essays about Books and Ideas”, p.75, W. W. Norton & Company

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• 9 saw the first direct-dialed long-distance telephone call, between New York and San Francisco. Of course, back in that primitive era the parties had to speak to each other manually; today one or both ends of the conversation would be carried on by a machine.

  Dave Barry

  New York, Distance, Party

  4 Copy quote

• I let it ring. I wanted to breathe for a few minutes, and I could think of nothing that couldn't wait. Besides, I had paid almost $50 for an answering machine. Let it earn its keep.

  Jeff Lindsay

  Thinking, Waiting, Machines

  Jeff Lindsay (2005). “Darkly Dreaming Dexter”, p.104, Vintage Crime/Black Lizard

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• Experiencing yourself out of context, divorced from your usual point of view, skews your perspective – it’s like hearing your voice on an answering machine. It’s almost like meeting a stranger; or discovering a talent you never knew you had.

  Slash

  Views, Voice, Perspective

  Slash (2012). “Slash: The Autobiography”, p.39, HarperCollins UK

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