I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full.
By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
I'm so old they've cancelled my blood type.
It used to take me all vacation to grow a new hide in place of the one they flogged off me during school term.
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
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