A father is a man who expects his son to be as good a man as he meant to be.
There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.
A father carries pictures where his money used to be.
My father gave me the greatest gift anyone could give another person, he believed in me.
My daughter got me a 'World's Best Dad' mug. So we know she's sarcastic.
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
The older I get, the smarter my father seems to get.
Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.
If the new American father feels bewildered and even defeated, let him take comfort from the fact that whatever he does in any fathering situation has a fifty percent chance of being right.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
To be a successful father... there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.
My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.
Dad taught me everything I know. Unfortunately, he didn't teach me everything he knows.
Rich men's sons are seldom rich men's fathers.
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.
I never got along with my dad. Kids used to come up to me and say, 'My dad can beat up your dad.' I'd say 'Yeah? When?'
Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents.
That is the thankless position of the father in the family-the provider for all, and the enemy of all.
Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
My father was not a failure. After all, he was the father of a president of the United States.
I always was a funny guy, the class clown. I had a very funny dad and an extremely funny grandmother.
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