Funny Witty Quotes

• I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

  "Death: A Comedy in One Act". Book by Woody Allen, 1975.

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• Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspirational, Witty, Way

  193 Copy quote

• Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

  Albert Einstein

  Funny, Hilarious, Education

  Albert Einstein (2015). “Bite-Size Einstein: Quotations on Just About Everything from the Greatest Mind of the Twentieth Century”, p.32, St. Martin's Press

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• If you're going through hell, keep going.

  Winston Churchill

  Inspirational, Motivational, Change

  392 Copy quote

• Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Happiness

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  703 Copy quote

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• A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

  Lana Turner

  Funny, Success, Hilarious

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• I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Cute, Sarcastic

  63 Copy quote

• In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.

  Robert Frost

  Inspirational, Life, Motivational

  268 Copy quote

• A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

  Winston Churchill

  Funny, Truth, Honesty

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

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• A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then asks you not to kill him.

  Winston Churchill

  Funny, Sarcastic, Laughter

  92 Copy quote

• He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up

  Paul Keating

  Running, Witty, Clever

  52 Copy quote

• I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.

  Woody Allen

  Inspirational, Funny, Death

  Quoted in Eric Lax, Woody Allen and His Comedy (1975)

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• After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

  Cato the Elder

  Life, Witty, Clever

  85 Copy quote

• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  56 Copy quote

• He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

  Winston Churchill

  Life, Humorous, Vices

  Sir Winston Churchill (1965). “The Churchill Wit”

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• The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.

  Albert Einstein

  Inspiring, Leadership, Education

  8 Copy quote

• When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Wise, Humor, Favourite

  61 Copy quote

• Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

  Aldous Huxley

  Funny, Sarcastic, Laughter

  "Peter's Quotations: Ideas for Our Time" by Laurence J. Peter, (p. 239), 1979.

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• A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.

  Bill Cosby

  Funny, Life, Wise

  Twitter post from Oct 30, 2009

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• Two wrongs don't make a right.

  Roald Dahl

  Revenge, Humorous, Math

  Roald Dahl (2016). “The GFG: The Guid Freendly Giant: The BFG in Scots”, p.145, Black & White Publishing

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• Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Life, Witty

  Oscar Wilde (1947). “The Happy Prince”, p.16, New Line Publishing

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• I can resist everything except temptation.

  Oscar Wilde

  Funny, Sarcastic, Witty

  Lady Windermere's Fan act 1 (1892) See Balzac 1; Clementina Graham 1; Mae West 19; Wilde 25

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• You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

  Bob Hope

  Funny, Happy Birthday, Humorous

  Biography/Personal Quotes, www.imdb.com.

  81 Copy quote

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• I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

  Groucho Marx

  Funny, Life, Sarcastic

  In Leo Rosten People I have Loved, Known or Admired (1970) "Groucho"

  88 Copy quote

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• If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

  Laurence J. Peter

  Funny, Witty, Revenge

  Laurence J. Peter (1979). “Peter's people”, W. Morrow

  35 Copy quote

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