I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one way; wisdom is looking in both directions anyway.
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
If you're going through hell, keep going.
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on.
A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
He has all of the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.
The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.
When a thing is funny, search it carefully for a hidden truth.
I can resist everything except temptation.
Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Two wrongs don't make a right.
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
I am prepared to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
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