Joan Rivers Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Years, Lucky

• I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Witty, Baby

  "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said"by R. Byrne, (p. 94), 2003.

• I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Hilarious, Hate

  Quoted in Michele Brown and Ann O'Connor, Woman Talk (1984)

• A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Hilarious, Mistake

  "Funny Ladies" by B. Adler, (p. 147), 2001.

• The first time I see a jogger smiling, I'll consider it.

  Joan Rivers

  Inspirational, Funny, Running

• I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Mother, Witty

• If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Witty, Women

  Quoted in Colin JarmanThe Guinness Dictionary of Sports Quotations (1990).

• Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Life, Witty

  "Joan Rivers obituary" by Michael Carlson, www.theguardian.com. September 04, 2014.

• My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Humor, Groups

  Joan Rivers' remarks on BBC 2 (February 23, 1990), as quoted in Elaine Bernstein Partnow "The Quotable Jewish Woman: Wisdom, Inspiration and Humor from the Mind and Heart" (p. 179), April 2004.

• It's been so long since I made love, I can't even remember who gets tied up.

  Joan Rivers

  Love, Funny, Long

  "The Quotable Quote Book" by Carol Publishing Group, (p. 258), 1990.

• I now consider it a good day when I don't step on my boobs.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Humorous, Memorable

• Never floss with a stranger.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Life, Stranger

  "Words of Wisdom" edited by W. Safire & L. Safir, (p. 358), 1990.

• She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, War, Stupid

• I said to my husband, 'Why don't you call out my name when we're making love?' He said, 'I don't want to wake you up.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Husband, Names

  "Joan Rivers dies: Celebrate comedian's life with her 80 bitchiest putdowns and funniest one-liners" by Steve Anglesey and Carl Greenwood, www.mirror.co.uk. September 04, 2014.

• I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Husband, Humor

  25 of Joan Rivers' best jokes, www.cnn.com. September 5, 2014.

• Russell Brand has announced that he plans to write a series of children's books. First up: 'Horton Hears a Heroin Dealer.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Sarcastic, Children

  Twitter post from Apr 09, 2014

• I'll lie still for a lot of things - but sex isn't one of them.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Sex, Lying

• Better laid than never.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Sex, Humorous

• The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven't seen one Academy award voter with a tampon in her purse.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Awards, People

  "Joan Rivers: the best of her career in clips and quotes" by Lilah Raptopoulos, www.theguardian.com. September 4, 2014.

• I'm telling you that at eight she knew more about reproduction than Xerox.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Sex, Humorous

• That girl had a great way of making friends, and strangers, and anyone else who was around.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Girl, Sex

• Now, I'm not against sex before marriage, but two minutes before? When the organist played "Here Comes the Bride".

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Sex, Humorous

• As a wedding gift, Ray J gave Kim Kardashian his profits from their sex tape. It's 'Something Old' as well as 'Something Blew.'

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Wedding, Sex

  Twitter post from May 25, 2014

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