Sex after 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope. Even putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
There are many ways to die in bed, but the best way is not alone.
When you stop giving and offering something to the rest of the world, it's time to turn out the lights.
There's nothing wrong with making love with the light on. Just make sure the car door is closed.
Young. Old. Just words. Inside we feel like our shoe size.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Love is a lot like a backache. It doesn't show up on x-rays, but you know it's there.
I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to be anywhere.
People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.
Fall in love with what you're going to do for a living. To be able to get out of bed and do what you love to do for the rest of the day is beyond words. I'd rather be a failure in something I love than be successful in something I hate.
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old.
I must be getting absent-minded. Whenever I complain that things aren't what they used to be, I always forget to include myself.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
Be quick to learn and wise to know.
It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
I was always taught to respect my elders and I've now reached the age when I don't have anybody to respect.
If you ask what is the single most important key to longevity, I would have to say it is avoiding worry, stress and tension. And if you didn't ask me, I'd still have to say it.
I don't care what you do for a living. If you love it, you are a success.
At my age flowers scare me.
Tennis is a young man's game. Until you're 25, you can play singles. From 25 to 35, you should play doubles. I won't tell you exactly how old I am, but when I played, there were 28 men on the court - just on my side of the net.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
I find you have to take each day as it comes and be thankful for who's left and whatever you can still do.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
I don't worry about getting old. I'm old already. Only young people worry about getting old. When I was 65, I had Cupid's eczema. I don't believe in dying. It's been done. I'm working on a new exit. Besides, I can't die now - I'm booked.
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