Eugene Mirman Quotes - Page 2

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• One of the things that's funniest about the entertainment industry and comedy is that people go 'Oh, you're great, but I don't know what to do with you.' The great thing about the Internet is that nobody has to figure out what to do with you. You can figure out what to do with you, and you can say, 'I made this thing, and I'm going to put it out, and now if people want to come see me and buy things from me they can.'

  Eugene Mirman

  People, Want, Entertainment

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• Is the square root of hate the same thing as love times love?

  Eugene Mirman

  Hate, Squares, Roots

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• I don't think you should invest in commodities. Eddie Murphy made it seem risky in Trading Places.

  Eugene Mirman

  Thinking, Commodity, Made

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• The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I'm sure now there'd be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

  Eugene Mirman

  School, Oddballs, Disorder

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• Is it okay to go the roof of the tallest building in your town and jerk off into the street?

  Eugene Mirman

  Towns, Our Town, Jerk

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• Never give in to peer pressure, especially if the peer is not attractive.

  Eugene Mirman

  Giving, Peers, Pressure

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• I was in Vancouver, and I was in what I was told was the poorest neighborhood in North America - which I find very hard to believe because has anyone here ever been to Detroit?

  Eugene Mirman

  Believe, America, Detroit

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• I can kill a dog in six ways. Five of them are throwing missiles at it.

  Eugene Mirman

  Dog, Way, Six

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• I spent the day today at Brighton Beach, walking around. It's a Russian/Jewish neighborhood. And I was in a store and I saw a board game called 'Let My People Go,' based on the Jews' exodus from Egypt. I was like, 'Too soon.

  Eugene Mirman

  Beach, Games, Egypt

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• On a scale of one to ten, how punk am I? Apple. I don't use your scale.

  Eugene Mirman

  Apples, Use, Punk

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• I think in Russia, there's a lot of storytelling and anecdotes.

  Eugene Mirman

  Thinking, Russia, Anecdotes

  Interview with Joel Keller, www.avclub.com. March 28, 2012.

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• I forget, is freedom of speech when it's legal to say what you want or is it when it has no consequences for some reason?

  Eugene Mirman

  Freedom Of Speech, Want, Forget

  Twitter post from Dec 19, 2013

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• The good thing about being stuck at the airport for an extra hour, is that it gives you a chance to give weary travelers surprise massages.

  Eugene Mirman

  Airports, Giving, Massage

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• You can do anything you want, as long as it works.

  Eugene Mirman

  Long, Want, Can Do

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• Prom night can be a special night, if you let it be. I know you think it's for losers and something that popular kids do because they are boring people with porcelain hearts who don't know what it means to be lonely. But you're wrong. Prom is a chance for everyone to try oral sex. Go for it.

  Eugene Mirman

  Lonely, Sex, Mean

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• Sports bars are also a great place for guys to meet other guys--either for sex or for wrestling, whichever feels more right.

  Eugene Mirman

  Sports, Sex, Wrestling

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• In this time of recession, it is the time for invention. Did you know both the telephone and the automobile were invented during recessions? So was 'talking dirty.'

  Eugene Mirman

  Dirty, Talking, Funny Graduation

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• A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. (You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit.) Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist (except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness).

  Eugene Mirman

  Medicine, Bullshit, Comedian

  Eugene Mirman (2009). “The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life”, p.26, Harper Collins

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• Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

  Eugene Mirman

  Thinking, Drunk, Hegel

  Eugene Mirman (2009). “The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life”, p.14, Harper Collins

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• Confidence is the key to virtually everything. It's just deciding that you're qualified because once you decide you're qualified, everything else becomes very easy.

  Eugene Mirman

  Keys, Easy, Qualified

  "A Guide To Mustering 'The Will To Whatevs'". "All Things Considered" with Robert Smith, www.npr.org. March 1, 2009.

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• There's nothing sexier than a girl who's like, 'I know who FDR is, I know about the New Deal, I'm going to give you a new deal.' And then, over a period of years, she structures her sex acts in such a way that they save the economy.

  Eugene Mirman

  Girl, Sex, Years

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• When years from now people look back on today, they will think the same thing they already do but with more reasons for it.

  Eugene Mirman

  Thinking, Years, People

  Twitter post from Sep 9, 2013

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• It's weird - the cab driver is playing very loud dance music and yet it doesn't really feel like a party.

  Eugene Mirman

  Music, Party, Cab Drivers

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• I remember the first time I had sex. I wore a cape and goggles... because I didn't know.

  Eugene Mirman

  Sex, Goggles, Capes

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• On a quick side note, I would argue that--much like Samuel L. Jackson--I am not arrogant at all; I'm just actually really, really great.

  Eugene Mirman

  Sides, Arrogant, Arguing

  Eugene Mirman (2009). “The Will to Whatevs: A Guide to Modern Life”, p.23, Harper Collins

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