Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Page 5

Quotes about:

• People treat having a kid as somehow retiring from success. Quitting. Have you seen a baby? They’re pretty cute. Loving them is pretty easy. Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant. Being happy is really the definition of success, isn’t it?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Cute, Baby, Powerful

  Jim Gaffigan (2013). “Dad Is Fat”, p.54, Crown Archetype

  10 Copy quote

• I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Water

  6 Copy quote

• My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Wife, Wow, Abraham

  7 Copy quote

• That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Jail

  4 Copy quote

• Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Sound, Applause, Frying

  "Jim Gaffigan: King Baby", 2009.

  7 Copy quote

• I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Tunnels

  6 Copy quote

• Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Kids, People, Creative

  6 Copy quote

• I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Children, Sleep, Hair

  Jim Gaffigan (2013). “Dad Is Fat”, p.240, Crown Archetype

  10 Copy quote

• You never want to be the worst bowler of the group-because then everyone treats you like you have cancer. "You can do it! We're praying for you." The advice starts. "Use a heavier ball." "Keep your arm straight." "You should get a vasectomy." If you're really bad at bowling like me, they'll ask if want the bumpers up. Not that bowling is that complex anyway. "You want the bumpers? We can get rid of the pins. Why don't you take this coloring book and sit in the corner?"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cancer, Book

  19 Copy quote

• Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Thinking, Weight Watchers, Taste

  Jim Gaffigan (2014). “Food: A Love Story”, p.20, Crown Archetype

  4 Copy quote

• The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Wings, Meals, Buffalo

  Jim Gaffigan (2014). “Food: A Love Story”, p.194, Crown Archetype

  87 Copy quote

• Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Cutting, Machines

  4 Copy quote

• Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Glasses, Giving

  33 Copy quote

• I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Girl, Humor

  33 Copy quote

• Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Children, Party, People

  "Dad Is Fat". Book by Jim Gaffigan, May 7, 2013.

  5 Copy quote

• New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Rip

  5 Copy quote

• My goal in life is to be as happy as a studio audience.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Goal, Comedy

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Feb 05, 2013

  6 Copy quote

• Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Sick

  4 Copy quote

• They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Kids, Giving

  4 Copy quote

• Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Children, Rights, Punishment

  4 Copy quote

• Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Mother, Father

  4 Copy quote

• Every now and then I'll read a book, I'll be so proud of myself, I'll try and squeeze it into conversation. People will be like, "Hey Jim, how ya do-" "I read a book! Two hundred and fifty pages!" "That's great, what was it about?" "No idea! Took me three years!"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Book, Humor

  6 Copy quote

• I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Blind

  7 Copy quote

• Don't you expect a rainbow coming out of the tub of bacon strips at the end of the buffet line?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Rainbow, Lines, Tubs

  9 Copy quote

• Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Inspirational, Funny, Travel

  Twitter post from Dec 11, 2009

  7 Copy quote

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