I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.
I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.
I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.
The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.
I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.
I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.
Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.
The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.
Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.
I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.
I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.
Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.
A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.
I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.
I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.
Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.
Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.
I don't know any skinny people who bully fat people. I just know skinny people who use fat people for rides.
Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.
I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.
I was born in Sinaloa, Mexico, along with two of my siblings. The rest were born here in the United States. I didn't know we were illegal until I was in the 8th grade. We would call other kids wetbacks, but we were the real wetbacks!
I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.
If you have a fat brother or sister you might be American.
I hate when comedians use Performed For The Troops as one of there credits before they go up on stage.
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
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