Felipe Esparza Quotes

Quotes about:

• The police pulled me over and asked me if I have anything illegal in my car. I looked at my cousin and I ran.

  Felipe Esparza

  Cousin, Car, Police

  Twitter post from Dec 11, 2013

  10 Copy quote

• I love my dad. He used to walk around the whole neighborhood and collect old furniture and fix it, like MacGyver with duct tape. One time, he brought a television home. I said, 'Damn, that TV has 500 channels.' When I got older, it didn't have 500 channels - it was a knob from the oven. My favorite channel was 300 degrees.

  Felipe Esparza

  Dad, Home, Degrees

  9 Copy quote

• I could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body - this is a tell nobody.

  Felipe Esparza

  Light, Body, Shirts

  20 Copy quote

• I gotta lose weight. I got stretch marks on my stomach and I never had a baby. So now when I take off my shirt in front of women, I tell them I was attacked by a mountain lion.

  Felipe Esparza

  Baby, Mountain, Weight

  9 Copy quote

• I better start doing stand up comedy in Spanish before every comedian in Mexico translates my jokes.

  Felipe Esparza

  Comedian, Mexico, Comedy

  10 Copy quote

• I used to sell marijuana to my son's mom's new husband. And then I would take that money and give it to her as child support.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mom, Children, Husband

  Twitter post from Jun 12, 2017

  9 Copy quote

• Rich people bring a lawyer. Latinos and blacks bring their mom.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mom, People, Lawyer

  9 Copy quote

• The war in Iraq is still going on. The British are helping. Mexico wants to help, but they need a ride over there.

  Felipe Esparza

  War, Iraq, Mexico

  8 Copy quote

• Wrestling is only gay when you make eye contact.

  Felipe Esparza

  Wrestling, Eye, Gay

  6 Copy quote

• I like to watch French movies with the volume up so my neighbors could think I'm terrorist.

  Felipe Esparza

  Thinking, Watches, Neighbor

  9 Copy quote

• I got jumped into a gang, but I never shot anybody or anything. I might have been in the car when something happened, but I was involved in the gangs just for the drugs. After a while, I just became an outcast of the gang because I just liked the drugs. I just wanted to do more drugs, anything you put in my hand.

  Felipe Esparza

  Hands, Car, Drug

  8 Copy quote

• Thanksgiving is the day you don't know if you're invited for dinner or an intervention either way is going to be an ambush.

  Felipe Esparza

  Dinner, Way, Ambush

  3 Copy quote

• I love my dad. He used to be a professional wrestler in Mexico. So it was cool growing up with him, because when he hit us, he didn't really hit us.

  Felipe Esparza

  Growing Up, Dad, Mexico

  5 Copy quote

• Whenever another Latino tells me they're more Mexican than me I stop working and let them do the work for me.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mexican, Latino

  3 Copy quote

• Halloween is the only day I can dress up like a hot Latina woman with a beer belly.

  Felipe Esparza

  Halloween, Beer, Hot

  5 Copy quote

• I started drinking when I was like 15, and by the time I was 19 everybody knew I was an alcoholic. So I would start five fights every weekend and lose terribly. First you start off fighting with one person and then he beats you up; and then one guy would be laughing, so you would hit him, too.

  Felipe Esparza

  Drinking, Fighting, Weekend

  6 Copy quote

• I didn't know how to grab your best material and put it together into a comedy set. I would just choose subjects and do it onstage. That's what I learned. I didn't know how to put a set together.

  Felipe Esparza

  Together, Comedy, Materials

  3 Copy quote

• My mom cooked the same food every day - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was enchiladas, it was - tortillas, beans and meat. If it was burritos, it was still - tortillas, beans and meat.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mom, Meat, Burritos

  11 Copy quote

• Valentines Day is the Super Bowl of relationships. If you're alone that night you didn't make the cut.

  Felipe Esparza

  Valentines Day, Cutting, Night

  3 Copy quote

• I listened to my first comedy album in 6th grade. It was Bill Cosby. My brother and I would play it over and over on a Fisher Price record player. A friend in high school also introduced me to Richard Pryor. I wasn't writing material back then, but I would say funny stuff. I was good at making fun of people's moms. If I knew something personal about you, it would be used against you.

  Felipe Esparza

  Mom, Brother, Fun

  3 Copy quote

• I envy people who could just have one drink and not go look for cocaine afterwards.

  Felipe Esparza

  Envy, People, Looks

  8 Copy quote

• I used to work at UPS I got fired for unloading packages into my car.

  Felipe Esparza

  Car, Used, Packages

  3 Copy quote

• I know I'm getting older because yesterday I called the police on my neighbors.

  Felipe Esparza

  Yesterday, Police, Getting Older

  3 Copy quote

• My dad was one of those dads that would make me stop crying by threatening to beat me.

  Felipe Esparza

  Dad, Cry, Threatening

  3 Copy quote

• A real woman needs quotes by dead men to get through the day.

  Felipe Esparza

  Real, Men, Needs

  Twitter post from Sep 16, 2013

  6 Copy quote

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