It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling ya, this guy is presidential material.
Here's good news: George W. Bush says that he is committed to fighting global warming. Yeah, well, he nipped that in the bud, didn't he? ... President Bush says he's really going to buckle down now and fight global warming. As a matter of fact, he announced today he's sending 20,000 troops to the sun
Honey, what happened to "ladies first"? Husband replies, "That's the reason why the worlds a mess today, because a lady went first!"
The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
I heard some good news today, the FBI and the CIA are going to start cooperating. They are going to start working together. And if you don't know the difference between the FBI and the CIA, the FBI bungles domestic crime, the CIA bungles foreign crime.
Iraqi's minister of information did not show up for his press conference today. However, he claims he was there and he said it went very well.
I got a call from my mom today, she says, 'Well, David, I see you didn't get the 'Tonight Show' again.'
Hillary's trying to appear downhome. Earlier today she was sitting on the front porch of a general store whittling a pantsuit.
Stocks are at an all-time high today. I don't have any money in the stock market. I don't have the stomach for the ups and downs. So about 20 years ago I put all of my money and liquid assets into videotape rewind machines.
Martha Stewart is getting out of prison so today the terror alert was raised from orange to pesto.
Barack Obama's busy moving into the White House. Earlier today, John McCain was blowing on his soup.
Everyone has this sense of togetherness right now. For example, one guy on the subway today, he wanted to share my pants.
Today is tax day. A lot of people are hoping they get refunds. And that's just the folks here in the audience.
Today is Veterans Day. Thank you to all our men and women who have served the United States armed forces. In honor of Veterans Day we are marching out a few jokes that have already served.
According to the recent polls, Bush has a slight lead over John Kerry. So today, Bush hung a banner over the White House saying, 'Mission Accomplished.'
I saw a robin redbreast in Central Park today, but it turned out to be a sparrow with an exit wound.
Today Mitt Romney is 68 years old. It's kind of sad, a 68-year-old guy with no job, no future - wait a minute, that's me.
President Obama is in China. Today he visited the kids who make our cellphones.
I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs.
Hey, guess who's gay? The Green Lantern from the comic books. Today Mitt Romney knocked him down and shaved his head.
They're doing everything they can to tighten security at the White House. Today, on the roof of the White House, they added one of those fake owls.
Today would have been the birthday of Osama bin Laden. It makes me remember when Seal Team 6 threw him a surprise party.
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