Dave Barry Quotes - Page 29

Quotes about:

• One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal budget deficit, which we refer to as the "mounting" deficit, because every extra word helps when you have to produce a certain number of gravely concerned newsprint inches.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Voice, Numbers

  Dave Barry (1989). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, Ballantine Books

  4 Copy quote

• The best way to understand this whole issue is to look at what the government does: it takes money from some people, keeps a bunch of it, and gives the rest to other people.

  Dave Barry

  Government, Issues, People

  4 Copy quote

• Always remember that if editors were so damned smart, they would know how to dress.

  Dave Barry

  Smart, Writing, Editors

  4 Copy quote

• In Spain, attempting to obtain a chicken salad sandwich, you wind up with a dish whose name, when you look it up in your Spanish-English dictionary, turns out to mean: Eel with big abcess.

  Dave Barry

  Food, Mean, Wind

  12 Copy quote

• I can snap your spine like a toothpick.

  Dave Barry

  Spine, Toothpicks, I Can

  9 Copy quote

• Avoid the traffic by using one of the park's shuttle buses and view the elk rut with a park ranger.

  Dave Barry

  Views, Parks, Elk

  5 Copy quote

• Unless you live in Indonesia, there should be several malls within five miles of your home. It makes no difference whatsoever which one you go to: Under federal law, all malls in the United States must have the same 42 chain stores.

  Dave Barry

  Home, Law, Shopping

  7 Copy quote

• Socially prominent people are very fond of disease, because it gives them a chance to have these really elaborate charity functions, and the newspaper headlines say 'EVENING IN PARIS BALL RAISES MONEY TO FIGHT GOUT' instead of 'RICH PEOPLE AMUSE THEMSELVES'.

  Dave Barry

  Fighting, Paris, People

  Dave Barry (1989). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, Ballantine Books

  4 Copy quote

• And, of course, you have the commercials where savvy businesspeople get ahead by using their MacIntosh computers to create the ultimate American business product: a really sharp-looking report.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Business, Humor

  4 Copy quote

• You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Agency, Phones

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.21, Ballantine Books

  17 Copy quote

• We have been flooded with postal cards from all over the United States and several parallel universes. Just a quick glance though these cards is enough to remind you why this great nation, despite all the talk of decline, still leads the world in tranquilizer consumption.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, America

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Talks Back”, p.190, Crown Archetype

  4 Copy quote

• The beer sold here in the United States is sweet and watery and lacking in taste and overcarbonated and just generally the lamest, wimpiest beer in the entire known world. All the other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer, and we are drinking Barry Manilow.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Sweet, Humorous

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.18, Ballantine Books

  4 Copy quote

• This (America) is a land of rich diversity, from the towering skyscrapers of Manhatan all the way to the towering mounds of garbage piled up next to the towering skyscrapers of Manhattan.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Land

  6 Copy quote

• In my experience, if you go to a hospital for any reason whatsoever, including to read the gas meter, they give you a tetanus shot.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Doctors

  Dave Barry (2009). “Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus”, p.25, Ballantine Books

  10 Copy quote

• Earnest is our dog. She senses instantly that something is wrong, and guided by that timeless and unerring nurturing instinct that all female dogs have, she tries to lick my ears off.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Dog, Humorous

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Greatest Hits”, p.38, Ballantine Books

  6 Copy quote

• Dogs make good pets because they are very loyal

  Dave Barry

  Dog, Humorous, Pet

  4 Copy quote

• They have a lot of trouble with pronunciation, because they can't move their jaw muscles, because of malnutrition caused by wisely refusing to eat English food, much of which was designed and manufactured in medieval times during the reign of King Walter the Mildly Disturbed.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Kings, Humorous

  Dave Barry (1994). “The World According to Dave Barry”, Outlet

  8 Copy quote

• The basic Roman ruin design is a pile of rocks with a little plaque saying "Roman Ruins" and a group of tourists frowning at it and wishing they were back at the hotel bar.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Italian

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.108, Ballantine Books

  5 Copy quote

• This nation is so friendly that the leading cause of injury is getting passionately embraced by strangers.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Italian

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need”, p.141, Ballantine Books

  7 Copy quote

• In foreign countries such as Italy, the government puts strict-looking speed limit signs everywhere, but nobody ever sees them because light does not travel fast enough to catch the Italian drivers.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Country, Humorous

  4 Copy quote

• Tokyo is huge. Something like 15 million people live there, and my estimate is that at any given moment, 14.7 million of them are lost.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Japan

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Does Japan”, p.60, Ballantine Books

  18 Copy quote

• Japan has a low crime rate, unless you count the fact that approximately every fifteen minutes the entire Cabinet gets indicted for taking bribes.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Japan

  16 Copy quote

• The Japanese, implementing a complex, long-term, and ultimately successful strategy to dominate the U S consumer-electronics market, attacked Pearl Harbor.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Humorous, Successful

  Dave Barry (2010). “Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States”, p.119, Ballantine Books

  4 Copy quote

• Famous designers think nothing of putting their names on your clothing, but would have the servants set the dogs on you if you ever tried to put your name on their clothing.

  Dave Barry

  Funny, Dog, Humorous

  4 Copy quote

• Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as Garfield Gets Spayed, and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: In Search of Excellence, Finding Excellence, Grasping Hold of Excellence, Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It, etc.

  Dave Barry

  Book, Humorous, Night

  4 Copy quote

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