Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But, it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.
Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?
If the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such and such.
I'm in no condition to drive...wait! I shouldn't listen to myself, I'm drunk!
But Marge, what if we chose the wrong religion? Each week we just make God madder and madder.
This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.
I’ll keep it short and sweet - Family. Religion. Friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.
Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow
You know boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like women. You just have to read the manual and press the right button.
If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.
Vampires are make-believe, like elves, gremlins, and eskimos.
I've always wondered if there was a God. And now I know there is -- and it's me.
When I look at the smiles on all the children's faces...I just know they're about to jab me with something.
You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring?
The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!
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