Funny Divorce Quotes - Page 2

• My husband taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.

  Zsa Zsa Gabor

  Funny, Life, Witty

  "Wit and wisdom: Zsa Zsa Gabor's best and most memorable quotes". www.theguardian.com. December 19, 2016.

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• You can't stay married in a situation where you are afraid to go to sleep in case your wife might cut your throat.

  Mike Tyson

  Sleep, Divorce, Cutting

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• Its easier to get a divorce than pass the driving test. Now its just a basic form-filling exercise.

  Paul Coleridge

  Divorce, Exercise, Tests

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• It was one of those ridiculous arrangements that couples make when they are separating, but before they are divorced - when they still imagine that children and property can be shared with more magnanimity than recrimination.

  John Irving

  Children, Couple, Divorce

  "A Widow for One Year". Book by John Irving, May 5, 1998.

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• In our family we don't divorce our men - we bury them.

  Ruth Gordon

  Divorce, Men, Our Family

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• Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

  Lewis Grizzard

  Funny, Marriage, Hilarious

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• To get over my divorce, I got a prescription to live at the Playboy Mansion for a while.

  James Caan

  Funny, Divorce, Playboy

  "James Caan: What I've Learned". Interview with Ross Johnson, www.esquire.com. January 29, 2007.

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• Marriage is probably the chief cause of divorce.

  Larry Gelbart

  Divorce, Causes, Chiefs

  "M*A*S*H. Season 3. Bulletin Board". TV Series,

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• There are four stages to marriage. First there's the affair, then there's the marriage, then children, and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.

  Norman Mailer

  Children, Divorce, Cynical

  News Summaries, December 31, 1969.

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• A divorce lawyer is a chameleon with a law book.

  Marvin Mitchelson

  Book, Divorce, Law

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• I can't take his genius any more.

  Rita Hayworth

  Funny, Divorce, Genius

  "The Cigar That Fell in Love With a Pipe review - David Camus and Nick Abadzis revisit Welles and Hayworth" by Rachel Cooke, www.theguardian.com. May 26, 2014.

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• The worst reconciliation is better than the best divorce.

  Miguel de Cervantes

  Divorce, Worst, Reconciliation

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• I should have known something was wrong with my first wife. When I brought her home to meet my parents, they approved of her.

  Woody Allen

  Home, Divorce, Should Have

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• Alimony - the ransom that the happy pay to the devil.

  H. L. Mencken

  Marriage, Devil, Ransom

  A Little Book in C Major ch. 6 (1916)

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• For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

  Woody Allen

  Funny, Single, Divorce

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• Divorce sucks. Let me tell you, after five years of marriage, it is devastating to have the person with the good credit move out.

  Rich Vos

  Funny, Moving, Divorce

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• Workaholicism is such a tough addiction to get over. I had to divorce my wife because she was an enabler.

  Dave Mordal

  Funny, Divorce, Wife

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• I do not consider divorce an evil by any means. It is just as much a refuge for women married to brutal men as Canada was to the slaves of brutal masters.

  Susan B. Anthony

  Mean, Divorce, Men

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• Divorce is probably of nearly the same date as marriage. I believe, however, that marriage is some weeks the more ancient.

  Voltaire

  Believe, Divorce, Ancient

  Voltaire (2016). “Voltaire – The Philosophical Works: Treatise On Tolerance, Philosophical Dictionary, Candide, Letters on England, Plato’s Dream, Dialogues, The Study of Nature, Ancient Faith and Fable, Zadig…: From the French writer, historian and philosopher, famous for his wit, his attacks on the established Catholic Church, and his advocacy of freedom of religion and freedom of expression”, p.737, e-artnow

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• American husbands are the best in the world; no other husbands are so generous to their wives, or can be so easily divorced.

  Elinor Glyn

  Husband, Divorce, Wife

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• If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

  Mignon McLaughlin

  Love, Anniversary, Marriage

  Mignon McLaughlin (2014). “Aperçus: The Aphorisms of Mignon McLaughlin”, p.24, BookBaby

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• What happened? Satan was busy?

  Sam Kinison

  Funny, Divorce, Satan

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• In Palm Springs, they think homelessness is caused by bad divorce lawyers.

  Garry Trudeau

  Spring, Divorce, Thinking

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• I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

  Zsa Zsa Gabor

  Funny, Lost Love, Women

  "How to Catch a Man, how to Keep a Man, how to Get Rid of a Man". Book by Zsa Zsa Gabor, 1970.

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  My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.

  Jack Benny

  Love, Funny, Relationship

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