The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
My favorite shots are the practice swing and the conceded putt. The rest can never be mastered.
Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air.
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
You can make a lot of money in this game. Just ask my ex-wives. Both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
There is no similarity between golf and putting; they are two different games, one played in the air, and the other on the ground.
Professional golf is the only sport where, if you win 20% of the time, you're the best.
Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick.
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf - it's almost a law.
I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.
I don't fear death, but I sure don't like those three-footers for par.
You can talk to a fade but a hook won't listen.
I never pray on a golf course. Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out.
Golf seems to me an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out.
Golf is a game that needlessly prolongs the lives of some of our most useless citizens.
Sex and golf are the two things you can enjoy even if you're not good at them.
I was three over. One over a house, one over a patio, and one over a swimming pool.
These greens are so fast I have to hold my putter over the ball and hit it with the shadow.
The ball retriever is not long enough to get my putter out of the tree.
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play.
I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.
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