Olympics Quotes - Page 16

• Olympic officials have disqualified a champion race walker after determining that he was doping. They disqualified him. The man said getting caught doping is almost as embarrassing as getting caught being a champion race walker.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Men, Race

  4 Copy quote

• The Romneys have a horse competing in the Olympics. Ann Romney's horse failed to win a medal in the dressage event today, which is a shame because if there's one thing that family needs, it's more gold.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Horse, Winning

  4 Copy quote

• Why don't they allow professional wrestling at the Olympics? They allow pro basketball players and hockey players. Olympic pro wrestling would be awesome. The team from Mexico could wear those Mr. X masks. The French wrestler could hit his opponent with a baguette. Or perhaps just surrender.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny, Basketball, Team

  6 Copy quote

• An American judo fighter was expelled from the Olympics after testing positive for marijuana. Officials became suspicious when he kept stopping the match and saying, 'What are we fighting for, man?'

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Fighting, Marijuana

  4 Copy quote

• Naturally the U.S. trails in gold medals because every time we win one, we hand it over to the Chinese to pay off our debt.

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, Winning, London Olympics

  4 Copy quote

• Well China, you got us. Phelps was doping - and he still beat you. He smoked the sticky-icky, and then he smoked your ass!

  Stephen Colbert

  Funny, London Olympics, Ass

  5 Copy quote

• Saudi Arabia's first female athlete will be allowed to compete while wearing a head scarf. The Saudi woman said she was thrilled about the ruling all she needs now is a man to drive her to the Olympics.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Athlete, Men

  5 Copy quote

• The first Olympic Games were held in 776 BC. Do you know who lit the flame? Betty White.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, London Olympics, Flames

  4 Copy quote

• Yesterday Michael Phelps set an all-time Olympic record for most medals. Phelps has so much gold on his chest he's been asked to join the cast of 'Jersey Shore.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, London Olympics, Yesterday

  5 Copy quote

• Did you hear this big scandal? Eight female badminton players were expelled from the Olympics for trying to lose on purpose. So tragically, they'll never have another chance to play badminton unless they get invited to a picnic.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Player, Eight

  14 Copy quote

• Seriously, the Olympic badminton players were apparently trying to lose on purpose, a big story. But really, think about it, if you train day and night for four years to be in the Olympics for badminton, in a way, haven't you already lost?

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Player, Night

  20 Copy quote

• The U.S. team has swept all the medals in the skeet shooting event. So despite our bad economy, it's nice to know our country has never been safer from an attack of skeets.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Country, Nice

  4 Copy quote

• A dozen swimming events have already been completed in the Olympic competition. I wonder where they got the name 'Speedo.' It doesn't sound like a bathing suit, it sounds like a breakfast cereal for meth addicts.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny, Swimming, Cereal

  6 Copy quote

• So far China has won the most gold medals, ladies and gentlemen. The Chinese athletes can't wait to get home and show the medals off to the kids who made them.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Home, Athlete

  4 Copy quote

• Olympic organizers are reportedly struggling to fill rows and rows of empty seats. Empty seats! In fact, yesterday officials put out a casting call asking for 200 Europeans or eight Americans.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Struggle, Eight

  4 Copy quote

• Last night on the show I had Olympics fever. Unfortunately, it's getting worse. That's not good. I have to call my doctor if my torch burns for more than four hours.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny, Night, Doctors

  4 Copy quote

• Some people are saying that the reason Michael Phelps isn't doing so well is because he let himself get too out of shape. I just have to say that I have been watching the Olympics, and if that guy is out of shape, I have been dead for five years.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, London Olympics, Years

  4 Copy quote

• The Olympics are getting mixed reviews. People are angry at NBC for showing a promo that revealed the winner of a swimming event even though the race hadn't aired yet. NBC apologized saying, 'We're just not used to people watching our network.'

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Swimming, Nbc

  4 Copy quote

• Equestrian and sailing are sports for people growing up on the mean streets of Connecticut.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny, Sports, Growing Up

  7 Copy quote

• An Australian swimmer who failed to win a gold medal is blaming her loss on social media. In her defense, it is really hard to tweet when you're swimming.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, Loss, Swimming

  4 Copy quote

• Everything went smoothly at the sailing events today, except for the British team. They forgot to bring limes and they all got scurvy.

  Craig Ferguson

  Funny, Team, London Olympics

  4 Copy quote

• Last night I went out for Chinese. I picked up a Team USA Olympic uniform.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Team, Night

  4 Copy quote

• The Olympics have just started and the Greeks are already 14 medals in debt.

  Conan O'Brien

  Funny, London Olympics, Greek

  4 Copy quote

• The European countries are really hoping to do well in the Olympics. If they win gold medals, they can use them as cash.

  David Letterman

  Funny, Country, Winning

  4 Copy quote

• The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.

  Jimmy Fallon

  Funny, Athlete, Winning

  11 Copy quote