Religious Humor Quotes

• The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

  George Carlin

  Philosophy, Real, Lying

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• An Inuit hunter asked the local missionary priest: If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell? No, said the priest, not if you did not know. Then why, asked the Inuit earnestly, did you tell me?

  Annie Dillard

  Life, Religion, Atheism

  Pilgrim at Tinker Creek ch. 7 (1974)

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• The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

  George Burns

  Funny, Life, Humor

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• Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion - several of them.

  Mark Twain

  Religious, Atheist, Animal

  "The Lowest Animal" (1940)

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• Faith: not wanting to know what is true.

  Friedrich Nietzsche

  Faith, Religious, Atheist

  Friedrich Nietzsche (1977). “The Portable Nietzsche”, p.383, Penguin

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• In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second hand, and without examination

  Mark Twain

  Religious, Believe, Second Chance

  Autobiography ch. 78 (1959)

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• The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies.

  Mark Twain

  Inspirational, Life, Atheist

  "Letters from the Earth" (1940)

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• The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next.

  Ralph Waldo Emerson

  Inspirational, Life, Atheist

  Ralph Waldo Emerson (2013). “Delphi Complete Works of Ralph Waldo Emerson (Illustrated)”, p.2728, Delphi Classics

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• With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.

  Steven Weinberg

  God, Religious, Atheist

  "Behaving Badly? Stop Using Religion as an Excuse!" by Roy Speckhardt, www.huffingtonpost.com. April 2, 2014.

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• The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one.

  George Bernard Shaw

  Life, Religious, Atheist

  George Bernard Shaw (1993). “The Complete Prefaces: 1914-1929”, Viking Adult

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• So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence.

  Bertrand Russell

  Death, Atheist, Religion

  Bertrand Russell (2013). “Education and the Social Order”, p.73, Routledge

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• I like your Christ. I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ.

  Mahatma Gandhi

  God, Faith, Christian

  As quoted by William Rees-Mogg in "The Times", April 4, 2005.

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• Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and not tried.

  Gilbert K. Chesterton

  Christian, Wisdom, Religious

  "Points of friction". Book by Agnes Repplier, "Consolations of the Conservative", 1920.

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• Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat.

  Mark Twain

  Sarcastic, Party, Sarcasm

  Mark Twain (2012). “Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations”, p.328, Courier Corporation

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• For good people to do evil things, it takes religion.

  Steven Weinberg

  Religious, Atheist, If There Is A God

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• Believe those who seek the truth, doubt those who find it; doubt all, but do not doubt yourself.

  Andre Gide

  Truth, Believe, Profound

  "Ainsi soit-il; ou, Les Jeux sont faits". Book by André Gide, p. 174, 1952.

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• The more you complain the longer God lets you live

  Bertrand Russell

  Complaining, Serious, Funny Bumper Sticker

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• The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshipped anything but himself.

  Richard Francis Burton

  Death, Religious, Atheist

  "The Book of The Thousand Nights And A Night". Book by John Payne, Terminal Essay: Social Conditions, fn. 13., 1885.

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• The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike.

  Steven Weinberg

  Death, Spiritual, Religious

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• The way to see by Faith is to shut the Eye of Reason.

  Benjamin Franklin

  Faith, Spiritual, Religious

  Benjamin Franklin (1987). “Poor Richard's Almanack: Being the Choicest Morsels of Wisdom, Written During the Years of the Almanack's Publication”, p.16, Peter Pauper Press, Inc.

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• Man is a Religious Animal. He is the only Religious Animal. He is the only animal that has the True Religion--several of them. He is the only animal that loves his neighbor as himself and cuts his throat if his theology isn't straight. He has made a graveyard of the globe in trying his honest best to smooth his brother's path to happiness and heaven....The higher animals have no religion. And we are told that they are going to be left out in the Hereafter. I wonder why? It seems questionable taste.

  Mark Twain

  Religious, Brother, Cutting

  "Man's Place in the Animal World" (ca. 1896)

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• When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

  Peter O'Toole

  Religious, Atheist, Talking

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• Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction.

  Blaise Pascal

  Inspirational, Sad, Religious

  Pensees no. 894 (1670 ed.)

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• Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me ... that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.

  Butch Hancock

  Sex, Texas, Awful

  7 Copy quote

• Cartooning is preaching. And I think we have a right to do some preaching. I hate shallow humor. I hate shallow religious humor, I hate shallow sports humor, I hate shallowness of any kind.

  Charles M. Schulz

  Sports, Religious, Hate

  6 Copy quote