Retirement Humor Quotes

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

Will Rogers

Funny, Life, Wisdom

Letter in New York Times 29 Apr. 1930

62 Copy quote

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Few men of action have been able to make a graceful exit at the appropriate time.

Malcolm Muggeridge

Retirement, Age, Able

Malcolm Muggeridge (1966). “Tread softly, for you tread on my jokes”

35 Copy quote

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Preparation for old age should begin not later than one's teens. A life which is empty of purpose until 65 will not suddenly become filled on retirement.

Dwight L. Moody

Death, Senior, Retirement

27 Copy quote
There's an enormous number of managers who have retired on the job.

Peter Drucker

Retirement, Jobs, Business

11 Copy quote
You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

Joan Rivers

Retirement, Fun, Aging

11 Copy quote
If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

Doug Larson

Funny, Witty, Retirement

45 Copy quote
When you retire, you switch bosses - from the one who hired you to the one who married you.

Gene Perret

Retirement, Boss, Age

8 Copy quote
In retirement, only money and symptoms are consequential.

Mason Cooley

Teacher, Retirement, Teaching

9 Copy quote
At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At age 40, we don't care what they think of us. At age 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all.

Ann Landers

Funny, Uplifting, Retirement

138 Copy quote
When one door closes, another one opens.

Alexander Graham Bell

Tattoo, Retirement, Doors

63 Copy quote
Gainfully unemployed, very proud of it, too.

Charles Baxter

Teacher, Retirement, Work

10 Copy quote
In this country men seem to live for action as long as they can and sink into apathy when they retire.

Charles Francis Adams, Sr.

Country, Retirement, Long

Diary entry, April 15, 1836.

7 Copy quote

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Forever, and forever, farewell, Cassius! If we do meet again, why, we shall smile; If not, why then this parting was well made.

William Shakespeare

Retirement, Farewell, Forever

'Julius Caesar' (1599) act 5, sc. 1, l. 118

8 Copy quote

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When I retire I'm going to spend my evenings by the fireplace going through those boxes. There are things in there that ought to be burned.

Richard M. Nixon

Retirement, Evening, Boxes

98 Copy quote
The secret of staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.

Lucille Ball

Happy Birthday, Beauty, Funny Birthday

184 Copy quote
God has a plan for your retirement.

Billy Graham

Retirement, God Has A Plan, Plans

25 Copy quote
I think retirement beats the heck out of life after death, that's for sure.

Martina Navratilova

Teacher, Retirement, Teaching

7 Copy quote
I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

Charles Lamb

Funny, Hilarious, Witty

74 Copy quote
You're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Germaine Greer

Life, Happy Birthday, Happiness

282 Copy quote
The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.

George Foreman

Sports, Retirement, Boxing

27 Copy quote
Age is only a number, a cipher for the records. A man can't retire his experience. He must use it. Experience achieves more with less energy and time.

Bernard Baruch

Teacher, Retirement, Numbers

30 Copy quote
If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.

Dean Martin

Retirement, Drinking, Book

"Famous drinkers" by Rob Parker, www.theguardian.com. April 18, 2004.

150 Copy quote

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A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.

Ella Harris

Retirement, Jobs, Husband

9 Copy quote
The trouble with retirement is that you never get a day off.

Abe Lemons

Retirement, Days Off, Trouble

31 Copy quote
Retirement means no pressure, no stress, no heartache... unless you play golf.

Gene Perret

Inspirational, Retirement, Stress

23 Copy quote