When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner.
A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"
Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.
Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.
A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"
My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.
All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.
Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.
I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
Have you noticed that families on TV never watch television?
I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.
You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
Two kangaroos were talking to each other, and one said, 'I hope it doesn't rain today. I hate it when the children play inside.
When it comes to work, there are many who will stop at nothing.
College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.
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