Right from the start my parents had left me to fend for myself. Apparently unaware that I was a kid, they invariably treated me like an adult, perhaps because they themselves were no spring chickens.
The last thing I'd learn, well into my career, was how to get on, how to say hello, how to get in with the audience.
Life began on this planet when the first amoeba split. Mankind will still be seeking God, not accepting that God is a spirit; can't see it, touch it, only feel it. It's called LOVE.
My mother-in-law buys her coats in a carper shop. She wears a 9x12.
A stand-up comic is judged by every line. Singers get applause at the end of their song no matter how bad they are.
It's an ill will that blows when you leave the hairdresser.
Carry an oar when you drive. Three times I've ended up in water.
Do I believe in Witchcraft? I'm the result of it.
I am constantly being asked about individuals. The only way to win is as a team. Football is not about one or two or three star players.
My mother-in-law must be the probation officer I got for the crime I committed of marrying my husband.
How do you know they're growing up? Well, the bite marks are higher.
Most people get an appointment at a beauty parlor... I was committed!
Mothers-in-law do not make good house pets. Once I had the most wonderful dream -- I dreamed that mothers-in-law cost money and I couldn't afford one.
I still take the pill. I don't want any more grandchildren.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love has nothing to do with it.
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
For Fang, getting out of bed in the morning is a career move.
My timing is so precise, a heckler would have to make an appointment just to get a word in.
It took me three weeks to stuff the turkey. I stuffed it through the beak.
I finally had a ship tattooed to my chest. I wanted something on it.
My plastic surgeon ... said my face looked like a bouquet of elbows.
I'll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
Everybody knows how much time Fang spends in bed. A local store that gives a 30 days' trial on mattresses gives Fang only 15 days.
Absolutely nothing was happening in my marriage. I nicknamed my waterbed, Lake Placid!
get married with the feeling it is going to last. Not like the bride I know who doubled the wedding cake recipe and froze one.
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