Remember, only a policeman is allowed to express himself on an expressway.
I asked my hairdresser what would look good on me. She says a Los Angeles Rams football helmet.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
When I go to the beach, my grandchildren try to make words out of the veins in my legs. That's why I still take the pill; I don't want any more grandchildren.
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Think of me as a sex symbol for the men who don't give a damn.
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
This woman was so cross-eyed. She can go to a tennis match and never move her head.
I am descended from a very long line my mother once foolishly listened to.
When I was a kid and we used to play Post Office, I was the Dead Letter Office.
When you hire a person to plan your wedding, this does not include securing the groom. Plan to get married on Friday the 13th. In years to come this will make it much easier to explain why things turned out badly. To look beautiful at your wedding, take time to plan it. It took me a long time to find two ugly bridesmaids and a frumpy little flower girl.
All mothers are working mothers.
When I go to the beauty parlor, I always use the emergency entrance. Sometimes I just go for an estimate.
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
Fang took the entire family out for coffee and donuts the other night. The kids enjoyed it. It was the first time they'd ever given blood.
My own laugh is the real thing and I've had it all my life.
Never go to bed angry, stay up and fight.
Let me tell you, a discussion that starts, 'I'll tell you something you do that irritates me, if you tell me something I do that bothers you,' never ends in a hug and a kiss.
I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
Actually, I comb my hair quite often. Of course, I use an electric toothbrush.
Sex is identical to comedy in that it involves timing.
My eight-year-old bought a bicycle with the money he saved by not smoking.
This man I was going with asked me for my finger measurements. I thought he was going to buy me a ring for Christmas, but he gave me a bowling ball.
I'd love to slit my mother-in-law's corsets and watch her spread to death.
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
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