The function of a newspaper in a democracy is to stand as a sort of chronic opposition to the reigning quacks. The minute it begins to out-whoop them it forfeits its character and becomes ridiculous.
The liberation of the human mind has never been furthered by dunderheads.
A Puritan is someone who is desperately afraid that, somewhere, someone might be having a good time.
Genius: the ability to prolong one's childhood.
We are here and it is now. Further than that, all human knowledge is moonshine.
There are two kinds of music; German music and bad music.
God must love the rich or he wouldn't divide so much among so few of them.
All the charming and beautiful things, from the Song of Songs, to bouillabaisse, and from the nine Beethoven symphonies to the Martini cocktail, have been given to humanity by men who, when the hour came, turned from tap water to something with color in it, and more in it than mere oxygen and hydrogen.
[Texas is] the place where there are the most cows and the least milk and the most rivers and the least water in them, and where you can look the farthest to see the least.
Religion is "so absurd that it comes close to imbecility."
War will never cease until babies begin to come into the world with larger cerebrums and smaller adrenal glands.
I go on working for the same reason that a hen goes on laying eggs.
No healthy man, in his secret heart, is content with his destiny. He is tortured by dreams and images as a child is tortured by the thought of a state of existence in which it would live in a candy store and have two stomachs.
Why do men go to zoos?
Immortality is the condition of a dead man who doesn't believe he is dead
New York: A third-rate Babylon.
For me to go into politics would be like sending a virgin into a house of ill-repute.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us that someone might be looking.
When a private citizen is robbed, a worthy man is deprived of the fruits of his industry and thrift; when the government is robbed, the worst that happens is that certain rogues and loafers have less money to play with than they had before.
If what I may believe - about gall-stones, the Constitution, castor oil, or God - is conditioned by law, then I am not a free man.
There is something even more valuable to civilization than wisdom, and that is character.
Whenever a husband and wife begin to discuss their marriage they are giving evidence at a coroner's inquest.
Nine out of ten Americans are actually monarchists at bottom. The fact is proved by their high suseptibility to political claims by president's sons and other relatives, usually nonentities.
Government, in its very essence, is opposed to all increase in knowledge. Its tendency is always towards permanence and against change...[T]he progress of humanity, far from being the result of government, has been made entirely without its aid and in the face if its constant and bitter opposition.
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
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