Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.
Even though a number of people have tried, no one has yet found a way to drink for a living.
One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.
When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
Alcohol is necessary for a man so that he can have a good opinion of himself, undisturbed by the facts.
If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.
First you take a drink, then the drink takes a drink, then the drink takes you.
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
I never turned to drink. It seemed to turn to me.
Reality is an illusion created by a lack of alcohol.
Beer makes you feel the way you ought to feel without beer.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
I drink when I have occasion, and sometimes when I have no occasion.
The trouble with jogging is that the ice falls out of your glass.
Health - what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.
If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
The chief reason for drinking is the desire to behave in a certain way, and to be able to blame it on alcohol.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
Why don't you get out of that wet coat and into a dry martini?
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with that it's compounding a felony.
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer.
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