Litigant. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
Flattery is like cologne water, to be smelt, not swallowed.
The French complain of everything, and always.
Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
If you're a fat person - and especially if you're a woman - at all stages of your life you'll get abuse for it, so you have to work out a way of dealing with it. The best way is to be humorous about it - that defuses any tension.
When I go to a bar, I don't go looking for a girl who knows the capital of Maine.
The Opera is obviously the first draft of a fine spectacle; it suggests the idea of one.
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
A lawyer's dream of heaven: every man reclaimed his property at the resurrection, and each tried to recover it from all his forefathers.
I would rather have a nod from an American, than a snuff- box from an emperor.
I can prove anything by statistics except the truth.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
If you are ever in doubt as to whether to kiss a pretty girl, always give her the benefit of the doubt.
If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.
In matters of religion and matrimony I never give any advice; because I will not have anybody's torments in this world or the next laid to my charge.
There is nothing the matter with Americans except their ideals. The real American is all right; it is the ideal American who is all wrong.
If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce.
There are two things that are more difficult than making an after-dinner speech: climbing a wall which is leaning toward you and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
Celebrity is death - celebrity - that's the worst thing that can happen to an actor.
Advice is like snow - the softer it falls, the longer it dwells upon, and the deeper in sinks into the mind.
I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia: it seemed like a good idea at the time.
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