Lewis Black Quotes - Page 5

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• Everybody's always asking me about my blood pressure. They did an interview once where they hooked me up to a blood pressure machine and they'd rile me. I'd yell and scream, and then it would just go back to normal in a few minutes. Everything else is probably rotting, but the blood pressure is spectacular.

  Lewis Black

  Blood, Machines, Asking

  8 Copy quote

• I can pretty much guarantee that if I do a show in a comedy club, there will be someone who will come out of the audience and tell me the worst joke ever. It's just a guarantee.

  Lewis Black

  Guarantees That, Clubs, Comedy

  "Lewis Black Is No Judge Judy". Interview with Nick Baumann, www.motherjones.com. March 11, 2008.

  8 Copy quote

• I'm always amazed when I hear people saying, "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?

  Lewis Black

  People, Leader, Drug

  "Black on Broadway". Documentary, Comedy, www.imdb.com. May 15, 2004.

  8 Copy quote

• A father and two sons run Adelphia. It's a cable company. And they took from that company a billion dollars. A billion. Three people - three people took a billion dollars. What were they gonna do, start their own space program? 'Let's send the monkey to Mars, Dad!'

  Lewis Black

  Running, Dad, Father

  "Lewis Black: Black on Broadway". Documentary, www.imdb.com. 2004.

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• People would be a lot better off if they'd enjoy being single.

  Lewis Black

  Being Single, People, Would Be

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• When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.

  Lewis Black

  Kids, Shopping, Said

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• You're on Facebook, and these people seem to have endless lives. I don't have time to live my life, let alone tell you what I'm doing, or post a photo.

  Lewis Black

  People, Living My Life, Endless

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• The Republicans are the party of bad ideas. The Democrats are the party of no ideas.

  Lewis Black

  Party, Ideas, Republican

  17 Copy quote

• When they played, it wasn't music. It was the sound of chaos. I knew it was the sound of chaos because you could hear pigs being slaughtered. Women were weeping and men were gnashing their teeth, and there were sounds so horrible that I cannot repeat them to you, or you would flee from this room in horror!

  Lewis Black

  Funny, Humor, Men

  6 Copy quote

• How long can we go without real leadership? It's like an experiment. It's [a problem with] both parties, it's beyond belief.

  Lewis Black

  Real, Party, Long

  Interview with Tom Lewis, www.scpr.org. September 7, 2012.

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• The people we elect aren't bipartisan. The American public is bipartisan.

  Lewis Black

  People, Bipartisan

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• It's a big thing now: A lot of people want to be assistants to celebrities. If you're pursuing that, you're an idiot. You're a moron. The shortest distance between two points is not a celebrity, or being next to a celebrity.

  Lewis Black

  Distance, Two, People

  "Lewis Black's Life Advice for Millennials" by Gwynne Watkins, www.gq.com. August 22, 2013.

  8 Copy quote

• Saying that the Palestinian people aren't really a people - that's not a zany thing to say. That's a psychotic thing to say in the midst of all of the politics we live through on a daily basis.

  Lewis Black

  People, Psychotic, Midst

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• The new millennium sucks! What a disappointment! What's the difference between the old millennium and the new millennium? Nothing! It's the same load of crap with a '2' in the front. When I was a kid, I am old enough so that when I was a kid, I looked forward to the new millennium. When I was young, I said, 'I'm gonna live through a change! A massive change! Things are gonna be different! Things are gonna be great!' Screwed again! No flying cars! No flying cars!

  Lewis Black

  Disappointment, Kids, Flying Cars

  6 Copy quote

• What you don't do, if you're an adult, is decide that you're going to budget things through a sequester. What does that word have to do with budgeting? It's like if you have a family budget and go, 'We really don't know what to take out economically from the budget, so we're going to whack out protein for this week.'

  Lewis Black

  Adults, Doe, Budgeting

  8 Copy quote

• The reason I like socialism is that it's kind of enforced Christianity. It's basically very Christian, in the sense of "do unto others as you would have them do unto you." These people have nothing, so you have to share.

  Lewis Black

  Christian, People, Kind

  "Lewis Black on politics, aging, and being the guy who yells". Interview with Drew Fortune, www.avclub.com. September 7, 2012.

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• Anybody who likes writing a book is an idiot. Because it's impossible; it's like having a homework assignment every stinking day until it's done. And by the time you get it in, it's done and you're sitting there reading it, and you realize the 12,000 things you didn't do. I mean, writing isn't fun. It's never been fun.

  Lewis Black

  Fun, Book, Reading

  Interview with Amelie Gillette, tv.avclub.com. June 7, 2006.

  5 Copy quote

• On the plane was a Time magazine and there was a 30 page article on diabetes, and I read every page. By the time that plane landed, I had diabetes.

  Lewis Black

  Magazines, Pages, Planes

  4 Copy quote

• We are all shitty little snowflakes dancing in the universe.

  Lewis Black

  Dancing, Littles, Snowflake

  Lewis Black (2008). “Me of Little Faith”, p.26, Penguin

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• If it weren’t for my horse, I wouldn’t have spent that year in college.

  Lewis Black

  Horse, College, Years

  "The White Album". 2000.

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• I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

  Lewis Black

  My Own

  "Lewis Black on the things he'll always love". Interview with David Wolinsky, www.avclub.com. February 15, 2010.

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• A lot of the times I'm looking at something that I discover is part of a larger framework and not just a couple jokes. I see that it's a set, a story that I'll be telling. Sometimes I get lost in that.

  Lewis Black

  Couple, Stories, Sometimes

  "Interview: Lewis Black, new special, "In God We Rust," premieres midnight tonight on Comedy Central". Interview with Tom Lewis, www.scpr.org. September 7, 2012.

  4 Copy quote

• Parenting isn't just parenting your own child.

  Lewis Black

  Children

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• Everybody's family has different values.

  Lewis Black

  Different, Different Values, Values

  “Lewis Black Is Mad as Usual and He's Going to Take It” by Matt Sullivan, www.esquire.com. November 2, 2010.

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• When I'm funny is when I'm angriest.

  Lewis Black

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