Richard Jeni Quotes

Quotes about:

• Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

  Richard Jeni

  Life, Each Day, Lasts

  16 Copy quote

• A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

  Richard Jeni

  Yoga, Hypocrite, Yelling

  "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

  22 Copy quote

• A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

  Richard Jeni

  Running, Hypocrite, Gay

  "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

  20 Copy quote

• In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

  Richard Jeni

  Dream, May, Nightmare

  18 Copy quote

• The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

  Richard Jeni

  Nuts, Differences, Looks

  20 Copy quote

• I don't get that - people going to war over religion. I don't know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if you're going to war over religion, now you're just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

  Richard Jeni

  Revenge, War, People

  "Comedy Central Presents: Richard Jeni". Documentary, Comedy, www.cc.com. May 05, 2002.

  14 Copy quote

• Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

  Richard Jeni

  Religious, War, Killing Each Other

  7 Copy quote

• The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

  Richard Jeni

  Sex, Fire, People

  14 Copy quote

• I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

  Richard Jeni

  Tattoo, Regret, Thinking

  12 Copy quote

• Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

  Richard Jeni

  Important, Paper, Toilets

  14 Copy quote

• Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

  Richard Jeni

  Spiritual, Mean, Sunday

  12 Copy quote

• When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

  Richard Jeni

  Funny, Life, Men

  9 Copy quote

• Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

  Richard Jeni

  Doctors, Choices, Married

  10 Copy quote

• Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

  Richard Jeni

  Purpose, Cloning, Illegal

  13 Copy quote

• Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

  Richard Jeni

  Divorce, Looks, Fifty

  17 Copy quote

• I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

  Richard Jeni

  Girl, Sex, Night

  7 Copy quote

• It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

  Richard Jeni

  Running, Mean, Thinking

  21 Copy quote

• Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

  Richard Jeni

  Success, Two, Luck

  7 Copy quote

• I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

  Richard Jeni

  Funny, New York, Thinking

  "A few words from Richard Jeni". www.cnn.com. March 12, 2007.

  8 Copy quote

• The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

  Richard Jeni

  Fighting, Flying, Hindenburg

  15 Copy quote

• Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

  Richard Jeni

  Country, Military, People

  12 Copy quote

• You know what the average person is? Average.

  Richard Jeni

  Average, Average Person, Persons

  12 Copy quote

• I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

  Richard Jeni

  Mom, Mother, Sunday

  5 Copy quote

• If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

  Richard Jeni

  Eye, Rabbits, Carrots

  11 Copy quote

• If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

  Richard Jeni

  Ugly, Los Angeles, Ifs

  12 Copy quote

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