Richard Jeni Quotes - Page 2

Quotes about:

• Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

  Richard Jeni

  Football, Team, People

  "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". 2005.

  12 Copy quote

• If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

  Richard Jeni

  Ugly, Los Angeles, Ifs

  13 Copy quote

• If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

  Richard Jeni

  Eye, Rabbits, Carrots

  12 Copy quote

• Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

  Richard Jeni

  Jobs, Doubt, Chairs

  "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

  6 Copy quote

• Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

  Richard Jeni

  Children, Care, Problem

  7 Copy quote

• Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

  Richard Jeni

  Animal, Live In The Moment, Littles

  9 Copy quote

• Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

  Richard Jeni

  Broke, Happens

  "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

  5 Copy quote

• We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

  Richard Jeni

  Gun, Needs, Birth Control

  7 Copy quote

• There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

  Richard Jeni

  Epidemics, Obesity Epidemic, Two

  "A Big, Steaming Pile Of Me". Documentary, Comedy, 2005.

  11 Copy quote

• Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

  Richard Jeni

  Country, Jobs, Years

  11 Copy quote

• To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

  Richard Jeni

  Zero, Levels, Matter

  12 Copy quote

• In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

  Richard Jeni

  New York, Leisure Activities, Bleeding

  4 Copy quote

• If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

  Richard Jeni

  War, Fighting, Imaginary Friend

  6 Copy quote

• Never fry bacon when you're naked.

  Richard Jeni

  Naked

  10 Copy quote

• We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

  Richard Jeni

  Half, Firsts, Our Lives

  5 Copy quote

• If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

  Richard Jeni

  Careers, Shoes, Giving

  "Platypus Man". Comedy TV Series, 1995.

  12 Copy quote

• Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

  Richard Jeni

  Animal, Tanks, Lobster

  6 Copy quote

• It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

  Richard Jeni

  Marriage, Country, Divorce

  5 Copy quote

• In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

  Richard Jeni

  Sex, Sleep, Winning

  7 Copy quote

• Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

  Richard Jeni

  Real, Believe, Angel

  9 Copy quote

• America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

  Richard Jeni

  America, Twenties, Aliens

  6 Copy quote

• I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

  Richard Jeni

  Bird, Tree, Catholic

  5 Copy quote

• Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

  Richard Jeni

  Eight, Years, Guy

  4 Copy quote

• Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

  Richard Jeni

  Six, Watches, Sandwiches

  19 Copy quote

• Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

  Richard Jeni

  Couple, Party, Gay

  4 Copy quote

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