W. C. Fields Funny Quotes

Quotes about: Funny

• Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Sex, Goodness

• I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Drinking

• If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. There's no point in being a damn fool about it.

  W. C. Fields

  Inspirational, Funny, Life

• Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore always carry a small snake.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Clever

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Sarcastic, Money

  "Biography/Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

• I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Strong

• Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

  W. C. Fields

  Inspirational, Funny, Party

• A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Drinking, Book

• Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Horse, Crazy

• Oh, insomnia! Ah, well, I know a good cure for it... Get plenty of sleep.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Humorous, Sleep

  "Fictional character: The Great Man". "Never Give a Sucker an Even Break", www.imdb.com. October 10, 1941.

• I personally stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Age

• I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Hunting

• I drink therefore I am.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Clever, Drinking

• I never drink water; that is the stuff that rusts pipes.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Humor, Water

• There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Crazy, Silly

  "Personal Quotes/ Biography". www.imdb.com.

• I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Cute, Witty

• If it is a joint return, we are instructed to print the given names of both husband and wife. But since some of the names that husband and wife give each other are hardly suited to print, we must proceed cautiously.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Husband, Humorous

  W.C. Fields (2016). “Fields for President”, p.36, Rowman & Littlefield

• I like children - fried.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Witty, Children

• This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Jobs, Grateful

• It's morally wrong to allow a sucker to keep his money.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Money, Scams

• Alcoholic: anybody who drinks more than I do.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Clever, Smart

• The funniest thing about comedy is that you never know why people laugh. I know what makes them laugh but trying to get your hands on the why of it is like trying to pick an eel out of a tub of water.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Humor, Hands

• I was married once--in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Marriage, Fire

• I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake, which I also keep handy.

  W. C. Fields

  Inspirational, Funny, Book

  In Corey Ford Time of Laughter (1970) p. 182

• I certainly do not drink all the time. I have to sleep you know.

  W. C. Fields

  Funny, Time, Drinking

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