Christmas Quotes - Page 21

• At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

  Milton Berle

  Real, Dollars, Saws

  9 Copy quote

• At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

  Milton Berle

  Party, Hair, Long

  5 Copy quote

• Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

  Milton Berle

  Insecure, Numbers, Cards

  7 Copy quote

• Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

  Milton Berle

  Doctors, Years, Names

  5 Copy quote

• For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

  Milton Berle

  Batteries

  7 Copy quote

• I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

  Milton Berle

  Home, Hair, Next Day

  7 Copy quote

• I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

  Milton Berle

  Beautiful, Mother, Law

  13 Copy quote

• I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

  Milton Berle

  Wife, Twenties, Dollars

  10 Copy quote

• I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

  Milton Berle

  Mother, Law, Batteries

  4 Copy quote

• I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

  Milton Berle

  Educational, Kids, Together

  6 Copy quote

• I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

  Milton Berle

  Boss, Ants, Great Gifts

  5 Copy quote

• I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

  Milton Berle

  Wife, Size, Certificates

  5 Copy quote

• It's the first time I'm going to be on my own this Christmas and I'm really looking forward to not having any cards or decorations up. So I'll be in London, sit on my couch, arms folded, curtains drawn, having a drink.

  Noel Gallagher

  London, Firsts, Cards

  7 Copy quote

• Christmas is here, Merry old Christmas, Gift-bearing Christmas, Day of grand memories, King of the year!

  Washington Irving

  Kings, Memories, Years

  8 Copy quote

• I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

  Milton Berle

  Office, Guy, Want

  5 Copy quote

• I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

  Milton Berle

  Gadgets, Saws, Stores

  6 Copy quote

• Jingle bell, jingle bell, jingle bell rock. Jingle bells swing and jingle bells ring. Snowing and blowing up bushels of fun. Now the jingle hop has begun.

  Bobby Helms

  Fun, Rocks, Swings

  68 Copy quote

• All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth, my two front teeth, see my two front teeth!

  Donald Yetter Gardner

  Two, Teeth, Want

  4 Copy quote

• In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

  Milton Berle

  Years, December, Knows

  5 Copy quote

• My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

  Milton Berle

  Brother, Real, Sister In Law

  5 Copy quote

• My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

  Milton Berle

  Men, Giving, Wife

  13 Copy quote

• My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

  Milton Berle

  Nice, Son, Bottles

  4 Copy quote

• My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

  Milton Berle

  Brother, Years, Shopping

  9 Copy quote

• My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

  Milton Berle

  Divorce, Want Something, Wife

  5 Copy quote

• Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

  Milton Berle

  Suicide, Kids, Three

  16 Copy quote