Funny Christmas Quotes

• Peace on earth will come to stay, When we live Christmas every day.

  Helen Steiner Rice

  Christmas, Xmas, Earth

  Ronald Pollitt, Helen Steiner Rice, Virginia Wiltse (1998). “Helen Steiner Rice - The Healing Touch: Poems, Letters and Life Stories”, Fleming H Revell Company

  101 Copy quote

  Show source

• The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

  Jay Leno

  Funny, Christmas, Wise

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

  97 Copy quote

  Show source
• 

  Christmas is a season for kindling the fire for hospitality in the hall, the genial flame of charity in the heart.

  Washington Irving

  Christmas, Thank You, Heart

  62 Copy quote

• Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

  Kin Hubbard

  Funny, Christmas, Xmas

  87 Copy quote

• What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

  Phyllis Diller

  Christmas, Jobs, Xmas

  52 Copy quote

• There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.

  Erma Bombeck

  Christmas, Spiritual, Morning

  Erma Bombeck (2013). “Forever, Erma: Best-Loved Writing From America's Favorite Humorist”, p.260, Open Road Media

  30 Copy quote

  Show source

• Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

  Publilius Syrus

  Women, Believe, Christmas Wishes

  7 Copy quote

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

  George Carlin

  Funny, Christmas, Girl

  115 Copy quote

• At Christmas play and make good cheer, for Christmas comes but once a year.

  Thomas Tusser

  Christmas, Xmas, Cheer

  Five Hundred Pointes of Good Husbandrie (1580)

  68 Copy quote

  Show source

• Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

  Kin Hubbard

  Christmas, Children, Mean

  26 Copy quote

• Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

  Johnny Carson

  Funny, Christmas, Sarcastic

  58 Copy quote

• There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.

  Bob Phillips

  Funny, Christmas, Dad

  43 Copy quote

• Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

  Victor Borge

  Funny, Christmas, Witty

  76 Copy quote

• My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

  Bob Hope

  Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

  83 Copy quote

• Roses are reddish
  Violets are bluish
  If it weren't for Christmas
  We'd all be Jewish.

  Benny Hill

  Christmas, Reality, Rose

  13 Copy quote

• Did you ever notice that life seems to follow certain patterns? Like I noticed that every year around this time, I hear Christmas music.

  Tom Sims

  Funny, Christmas, Years

  8 Copy quote

• I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

  Dick Gregory

  Christmas, Dark, White

  44 Copy quote

• Xmas Trivia: Before it became a major shopping holiday, Christmas is believed to have had a "religious" meaning.

  Andy Borowitz

  Funny, Christmas, Religious

  FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Dec 23, 2012

  18 Copy quote

  Show source

• Christmas is not a time nor a season, but a state of mind. To cherish peace and goodwill, to be plenteous in mercy, is to have the real spirit of Christmas.

  Calvin Coolidge

  Christmas, Xmas, Real

  "Chicken soup for the soul Christmas treasury for kids" by Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Patty Hansen, Irene Dunlap, HCI, (p. 1), 2002.

  97 Copy quote

  Show source

• Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, he must be a communist. And a beard and long hair, must be a pacifist. What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

  Arlo Guthrie

  Funny, Christmas, Hair

  51 Copy quote

• I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

  Bernard Manning

  Funny, Birthday, Christmas

  58 Copy quote

• I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.

  Shirley Temple

  Funny, Christmas, Mother

  Quoted in Leslie Halliwell, Halliwell's Filmgoer's Companion (1984)

  56 Copy quote

  Show source

• Let's be naughty and save Santa the trip.

  Gary Allan

  Christmas, Journey, Naughty

  Song: Let's Be Naughty

  74 Copy quote

  Show source

• One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

  Andy Rooney

  Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

  11 Copy quote

• Isn't it funny that at Christmas something in you gets so lonely for - I don't know what exactly, but it's something that you don't mind so much not having at other times.

  Kate Langley Bosher

  Christmas, Lonely, Mind

  Kate Langley Bosher (2005). “How It Happened”, p.15, 1st World Publishing

  6 Copy quote

  Show source