I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.
I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
Too many people spend money they haven't earned to buy things they don't want to impress people they don't like.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.
He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up
The problems that exist in this world can not be solved by the level of thinking that created them.
The second mouse gets the cheese!
Two wrongs don't make a right.
When life gives you lemons, squirt someone in the eye.
A word to the wise ain't necessary - it's the stupid ones that need the advice.
I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.
If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That's relativity.
Tough times never last, but tough people do.
If you can't convince them, confuse them.
If you want a friend in Washington, buy a dog.
Nixon's motto was, if two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
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