Funny Merry Christmas Quotes

I heard the bells on Christmas Day Their old, familiar carols play, And wild and sweet The words repeat Of peace on earth, good-will to men!

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Christmas, Sweet, Xmas

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, J. D. McClatchy (2000). “Poems and Other Writings”, p.475, Library of America

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Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Publilius Syrus

Funny Christmas, Women, Believe

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In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"

Dave Barry

Christmas, Christian, Atheist

"Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" by Dave Barry, www.davebarry.com.

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I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included.

Bernard Manning

Funny, Birthday, Christmas

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Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year.

P. J. O'Rourke

Funny, Christmas, Money

P. J. O'Rourke (2007). “Modern Manners: An Etiquette Book for Rude People”, p.136, Grove/Atlantic, Inc.

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Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

Andy Borowitz

Baby, Funny Christmas, Cute Christmas

FaceBook post by Andy Borowitz from Nov 27, 2012

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To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance. To a friend, heart. To a customer, service. To all, charity. To every child, a good example. To you, respect.

Oren Arnold

Christmas, Xmas, Children

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Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

Victor Borge

Funny, Christmas, Witty

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One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.

Andy Rooney

Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

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Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs?

Gilbert K. Chesterton

Christmas, Grateful, Thank You God

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Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.

Phyllis Diller

Christmas, Xmas, Past

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Christmas gift suggestions: To your enemy, forgiveness. To an opponent, tolerance.

Oren Arnold

Christmas, Xmas, Tolerance

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Gifts of time and love are surely the basic ingredients of a truly merry Christmas.

Peg Bracken

Love, Christmas, Time

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Blessed is the season which engages the whole world in a conspiracy of love.

Hamilton Wright Mabie

Love, Christmas, Xmas

Hamilton Wright Mabie (1900). “My study fire: first series”

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Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

Kin Hubbard

Christmas, Children, Mean

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Christmas is doing a little something extra for someone.

Charles M. Schulz

Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

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One can never have enough socks

J. K. Rowling

Christmas, Enough, Funny Christmas

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Christmas Eve was a night of song that wrapped itself about you like a shawl. But it warmed more than your body. It warmed your heart...filled it, too, with melody that would last forever.

Bess Streeter Aldrich

Christmas, Song, Xmas

Bess Streeter Aldrich (1985). “Journey Into Christmas and Other Stories”, p.207, U of Nebraska Press

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The earth has grown old with its burden of care, but at Christmas it always is young, the heart of the jewel burns lustrous and fair, and its soul full of music breaks the air, when the song of angels is sung.

Phillips Brooks

Christmas, Song, Xmas

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It is Christmas in the heart that puts Christmas in the air.

William Thomas Ellis

Christmas, Xmas, Heart

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The earth has grown old with its burden of care, But at Christmas it always is young.

Phillips Brooks

Christmas, Xmas, Earth

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From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

Katharine Whitehorn

Funny, Christmas, Views

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Christmas is not a time or a season but a state of mind.

Calvin Coolidge

Christmas, Xmas, Mind

"Bill O'Reilly: The War on Christmas: The big picture" by Bill O'Reilly, www.foxnews.com. November 29, 2012.

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Our hearts grow tender with childhood memories and love of kindred, and we are better throughout the year for having, in spirit, become a child again at Christmas-time.

Laura Ingalls Wilder

Christmas, Xmas, Memories

Laura Ingalls Wilder, Yvonne Pope (2006). “Laura Ingalls Wilder's Prairie Wisdom”, p.68, Andrews McMeel Publishing

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I sometimes think we expect too much of Christmas Day. We try to crowd into it the long arrears of kindliness and humanity of the whole year. As for me, I like to take my Christmas a little at a time, all through the year.

Ray Stannard Baker

Christmas, Xmas, Holiday

Ray Stannard Baker (1910). “Adventures in Friendship”

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