If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf.
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
Golf is a game in which you yell "for," shoot six, and write down five.
Don't play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golf players become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced.
Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.
If you are caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron.
I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone's golf game. It's called an eraser.
The most important shot in golf is the next one.
The difference between golf and government is that in golf you can't improve your lie.
After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back ten minutes later with a ham on rye.
If you drink don't drive. Don't even putt.
While playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.