When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance.
Raising kids is part joy and part guerrilla warfare.
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
If you've never been hated by your child, you've never been a parent.
If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't.
It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawn mower, snowblower and vacuum cleaner.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.