If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?
Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.
Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you.
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.
Each day of our lives we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.
A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.
All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage. Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they're finished, I climb out.
It's not only children who grow. Parents do too. As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours. I can't tell my children to reach for the sun. All I can do is reach for it, myself.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
It kills you to see them grow up. But I guess it would kill you quicker if they didn't.
The child supplies the power but the parents have to do the steering.
Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.
Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.
If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.
You will always be your child's favorite toy.
Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
My mom used to say it doesn't matter how many kids you have... because one kid'll take up 100% of your time so more kids can't possibly take up more than 100% of your time.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.
Your kids require you most of all to love them for who they are, not to spend your whole time trying to correct them.
Always kiss your children goodnight, even if they're already asleep.
You know your children are growing up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
No matter how calmly you try to referee, parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior, and I'm not talking about the kids. Their behavior is always normal.
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