A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.
They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.
My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.
A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.
It's rough to go through life with your contents looking as if they settled during shipping.
When I was in school, one of my teachers was crazy about me. I once heard her tell another teacher, "I wish he was my kid for one day!"
At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.
Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!
I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.
My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.
Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.
All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.
Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.
Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?
Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.
For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.
Laughter is the best medicine in the world.
Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.
This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"
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